There's music in love, love in music, and life is all in between

Friday, December 16, 2005

Last Time

ok so for the anonymous comment... the dashboard thing is a poem i wrote (and needs fixing... i improvised)

ok so im going to miami Argg... i have a mixture of excitement and fear. i mean come on such a long time... will i bear it?! in other news... well... forget it.

is this the right time?
or is it just the last time
to say how things are suppose
to be.

i wonder how many more perfect
ones there are and only caring this
last dance will play forever.

i dont remember if i've said these
words before, i no longer know
its for the best you know.

perhaps i should just wave goodbye now
and skip the funeral and eulogy
that will eventually come.

I was a beggar to love that had left
me here to starve, in the dark twisted
streets of revolution

so you could be the last time or only the
ghost of this belief i have indocriniced
myself to learn.

farewell is such a permanent word
but i'll wave goodbye, be on my

perhaps it wouldnt have ended this way
but baby gravity's lost it's hold on me and
I will not fall again.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Bad habits

i was listening to this song today bad habits by michael tolcher and its such a beautiful song. it makes you think of how we live our lives. see there is this part in the song why would you work without living, selling your soul. many times in our multiple experiences in human bodies (firm believer in reencarnation) we will repeat our same mistakes because we do so much and live so little if not at all. I compare my life as a young girl(im talkin like 7 or 8 years old) and now, its so true how our innocence allows us to feel alive and enjoy this moment thats not long, every second is less time to gain new experiences, less time to try to mend our mistakes and learn from them.

i often wished things would have been different and in these last 3 of 4 months, i have learned much. it is so important to try to enjoy every second, to take risks (postive ones), to allow yourself to feel free. it has been so hard for me to feel free in my mind. well if you notice how much i write, you'll understand that i think way way too much and gaining this sense that i can just let go and be content with being laying in my bed and doing nothing. download the song, look at the lyrics and then you;ll understand.

in other news:
i finally tried to wakeboard, yup i've been going to the lake for like about a year or more probably more.... yeah way more and i never wanted to try it. so today i gave it a chance and it was fun. taking into consideration that ive known everything in theory i did excellent. of course theory isnt as hard as the practice, but it helps too know it...

A Confession in Dashboard Language

In an attempt to make a dashboard confession
i squirm in the seat of your car trying to get
the courage to say,
you have become the ghost of a good thing for me
and i will like nothing more than to pull you close
in an attempt to avoid this becoming my best
deception. i will with most certainty feel the rapid
hope loss of this brilliant dance that we have
learned. if only i could make this the good fight
to make a stand for all those who've known
broken hearts and concrete floors in order
to succeed i must bend and not break, in order
not to suffer from the sharp hint of new tears.
i have made this a long good night trying to point
out the hidden realities of which i want you
to believe fate took part in this and put you
in my light to guide me out of this place that
i have come to fear the most. the knowledge of
my lose has left this old wound open and aching
and with this i end only saying that,
like the drifting vehicules that pass through here
who's headlights seem to captivate us
i've been asked by my own soul to bare my heart
out to you in expectation that after you hear
these thoughts you will left with no choice but
to vindicate me.

Monday, November 28, 2005

you my love, have become my door to the past, and my window for the future. i hope on day i get to have someone as beautiful and insightful as you. with only less than a year you have shown me what it feels like to feel unconditional love, to care for something so pure, near or far your always in my heart. my beautiful niece.

esa e mi bebe (she's not mine... but she's mine) se parece a mi nanananana.... le salieron dientitos (tiene cuatro, pero eso dos son tan grande que cuentan por dos mas jeje). again i will say

i have loved you, in the idea of you, my whole life long

Sunday, November 27, 2005

im really bored

last kiss: early this evening (its girlfriend duty j/k)

last cigarette: like 3 hours ago… I need one now

last good cry: a good good good good good cry like 8 months ago(it sucked it did).. a good
whateverish cry like 2 months ago…

last library book checked out: I buy books I don’t rent them

last movie seen: last movie I saw on tv was romy and michele(last night.. I was bored it was 3 in the morning not a lot to watch)

last book read: Couples that kill

last cuss word uttered: no jodas (I don’t like to cuss so mind you this was yesterday my sister said I was stupid to go to the salon before the gym [helloo I have class afterward] it was the only time I could go)

last beverage drank: soda last night

last food consumed: a piece of airhead

last phone call: jaime…. Before that laura…

last tv show watched: veronica mars episode 209 (I have to download them)

last shoes worn: a pair of my sisters shoes that mind you were big on me (just by a little) they were like boho type thingy

last cd played: Mystery repeated (a cd I made which contained artists like PANDA, sheridan, ari herst, dashboard, something corporate, bla bla bla)
last item bought: hmmm I bought 3 tshirts one says that’s hot and in the back says your not, the other says don’t be jealous, and team aniston and a hollister skirt….. im addicted

last download: Bill engvall (comedy)

last annoyance: nothing good to buy today at the store.

last disappointment: today between 3 and 5 *hint, hint*

last soda drank: coca cola

last thing handwritten: a poem I wrote using songs by dashboard. I’ll post it later

last word spoke: bye

last sleep: at 4 in the morning… woke up at like 1

last IM: nelly (who didn’t answer)

last weird encounter: tono en el parquesito

last ice cream eaten: prailines caramel crunch

last amused: an hour ago watching pablo francisco

last time wanting to die: see that’s a problem, I have an intense fear of death, I’d have to say like 9 months or so ago during my good good good good cry

last time hugged: last night

last time scolded: like a week ago.. but I scold back

last chair sat in: pc chair

last lipstick used: lip gloss (I don’t use lipstick my lips are perfect the way they are *Narcissist*) it tasted like watermelon

last shirt worn: I think it was the one that says jesus is my rockstar… or was it the christian dior… im not sure… one of them two

last time dancing: i World say last night but that wasnt really really dancing so lets say last Saturday and hopefully today
last poster looked at: uno que dice strength in the gym

1 MINUTE AGO: i was...filling up this questionnaire

1 HOUR AGO: listening to panda and talking to frank

1 DAY AGO: I was watching a veronica mars marathon with my sister

1 WEEK AGO: writing something (I don’t drink so I cant say that :S)

1 YEAR AGO: having dinner with erik watching passion de gavilanes and eating dinner

1. What do you most like about your body?everything now (everything is getting hard… it’s the gyms job)

2. And least? My hair(I want it to be long again wahhhh)

3. How many fillings do you have? I don’t know…

4. Do you think you're good looking? Uhh YEAH

5. Do other people tell you that you're good looking? Jejeje yes…

First job: my dad’s company… i lasted 3 days… havent worked ever since.. oh wait I volunteered at a childrens home but they closed, it wasn’t working it was pleasure

First screen name: Witchy
First funeral: a friend’s brother
First pet: a cat
First piercing/tattoo: out of the norm… my belly button
First Kiss: jaja manny (yeezzz that was long ago)
First one that mattered: tricky question….i’ll go with raul and erik
First love: dammit trickier… first love… manuel (de llovio) no se hagan illusiones (sorry I know lots of manuels)

First enemy: stace probably she was my first enemy my best friend then worst enemy then best friend.. then we grew up…

First concert: I don’t remember


my cat, my dog and a really crappy song on.... im a little wasted... maybe not wasted lets say im happy. You'll should know i dont drink alcohol so this has been my first drink since a year or so ago... i usually am just happy with my natural high, than using substances to bring my cheers up.. today though... IT WORKED! so i'll probably regret everything tomorrow... but its yet to come...

im listening to Panda this group that since cuando las cosas no son como debieran ser, really good song about you know hate me cause its better and whatever, you suck... i'll dedicate it to... wait im not that drunk hehehehe....

i make a mountain out of my life.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

at the beach....

ok so my mother's best friend was here for like two weeks and she went to this resort to releave stress; to my own surprise my mother said i should go to the beach on a wed. and take my sister along(who works...sorta....does it count when your boss is your dad?). so i thought nicee... ROAD TRIP!... so the events of the day go as follow

before choosing whose car we'd go in

*thinking* this girl will not let me smoke in her car... due to the fact that shes in it... but my car has been acting funny... ok who cares... i need a cigarrette....

[in my car]

vieja i dont like that song change it.... change it.... change it.... [listen a bit].... change it....

(driving in the highway)

dude... this car trembles if i go faster than 80 mph... ya seee why i need a new car...


did i just get a flat tire.... stick your head out the window... i did didnt i?.... well dont laugh about it

(parking in some really weird restaurant or whatever)

great... who are we suppose to call.... fine you go over to the gas station and ill stay here

*thinking* well if something happens to one of us, at least they will have the other one instead of both... that skirt she's wearing is really short...ahhh no wonder it was trembling after 80mph its because i had a bad tire or whatever... i shouldve gone to the gas station my skirt is longer....

(some guy comes and i look around for my sister)

([in spanish] she didnt want me to give her a ride)

[thump thump... she came walking back]

smart girl... you got money you pay him. mind you i do have two other flat tires in the trunk... hopefully this one's good...

yes i do have 3 flat tires currently in my trunk. its not that i cant drive well... its that eveyone else drives horribly.....

[3 hours later] we are finally at the beach, enjoying the sun, i decide to take a dip or not really go in but sit near the shore and feel the water wash up near my feet.

*thinking* how nice is this beach, i could live like this... i could... cant wear the bottom part of my bathing suit cause aunt flow decided to come over yesterday, but its still nice to..

[phew blah pui]

dammit... im not suppose to get wet here! damn wave... wait my eye... ahh i got sand in my eye... fine if im already wet i might as well enjoy the water

(move a little closer.. but still far enough to be able to sit on the sand without drowning)

*thinking* this water is nice... god this place brings back old memories, my skip day was here... that was so long ago.. or was it my graduation trip... whichever they both bring back special memories... god i miss the drama and the everything about highschool. maybe i could pretend im 18 again and go to school... nope that would suck i mean i wouldnt do someone 3 years younger than me....

(mind you although this take lots of space it really was a 3 second conversation with my brain)

[blah, pui, yuck, bang]

ok this is not funny the waves arent suppose to be so big in the shore and i should be thrown back by them....

(the thinking(which im really not gonna tell you what it was about but helped me remember stuff) went on for like 2 more hours.. so did the waves splashing on and over me... and the sand getting on my bathing suit, board shorts, hair & other places....

[music in the ipod] playlist- still missing... song of choice: strangers again- ari herst

the sun shone bright as i walked through the sand actually expecting to see another set of footsteps beside mine, but there were none. every thought and memory seemed to be invading me in a never-ending attempt of my heart to beat me down. but as the sea erased the trace of where my feet had once been, so did the memories of love stories obligerated from my mind. often had i wished of coming back here, hoping one day it be for other reasons than to reminisce in silence. and like the passion in which a wave crashes into the shore and retreats back into the sea, so did i crash into my own beliefs and gently pushed away the recollections of adulation that once inhabitated here. he, the inamorato that had left me desirous now becomes an unflattering host.
7 things I plan to do before I die:

1) get married.
2) have lots of kids.
3) publish something.
4)help change somebody's world and destiny for the better of course
5) fufill my destiny.
6) adopt a child.
7) run a center for orphans.

7 things I can do:
1) write.
2) make the best brownies.
3) do a knot with a cherry stem (i guess that makes me a good kisser) .
4) feel empathy towards others.
5) love easily.
6) shop wisely.
7) Procrastinate.

7 things I cannot do:

1) Save money.
2) skii on water(not that ive ever tried... but im good at skiing in snow)
3) forgive and forget.
4) go to bed before 3
5) express any emotions during a fight or ackward situations or shock situations.
6) i cannot, will not stop thinking too much.
7) cook without a recipe and even then its still hard (but i can bake).

7 things that attract me to another person:
1) eyes.
2) mystery.
3) creativeness.
4) smile.
5) ability to do as i command(not that i always get it, but a girl can dream)
6) smartness
7) can make good conversations.

7 things I say most often:
1) Dude.
2) vieja
3) its like when.... (and it never ends)
4) i'm thinking...
5) dont misunderstand the situation,
6) que pique....
7) i'm shopping or lets go shopping or i really want to buy something.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Strangers again

i was sitting with a friend the other day talking about the usual love hysteria and the conversation went a little like this?

me: its not that difficult to understand. when you fall in love with someone and then suddenly you guys go your seperate ways (nice way of putting it) its like you become strangers again.

anon: isnt that a song?

me: what are you talking about

anon: that song by ari hest that says (trying to sing it) long before we ever touch long before we knew too much i wish we were strangers again.and bla bla bla bla

me: what does that have to do with this?

anon: well, if you were strangers you wouldnt have to go through all that ackwardness of sitting in the same table with your ex-love and having to ignore each other at all cost. its like you wouldnt have to deal get it?

me: yeah but then there is the probability that you would fall for each other again if you were strangers cause you didnt go through everything.

anon: you think it would have been different under other circumstances. like a look would have been enough to change everything or a touch or like if he hadnt smelled your hair, or invited you to the movies or tell you you look pretty today.

me: dude you just went through like 4 years of MY life in a sentence

anon: jejeje yeah whatever, better use your experiences than mine. but now everything is like that song psycho.

me: what is it you do? imagine a certain scene in your life and put music to it

anon: yes.....

me: jejeje i do that alot does that one go?

anon: imagine an awesome guitar (mimicking guitar sounds) then it goes: that guy is a psycho and everybody's saying that i must be crazy, he loves me he hates me doesnt really matter cause i know we are who we are...

me: ah! thats the one by sheridan.

anon: wait im not done... (yelling) but im never right never wrong cant seem to make up my mind, there is no lie going on in my head, how long should i wait everytime you run away, how long should try i never get it right why do you push me away like everybody else you push me further away.

me: bitter.... buttttt: (singing) i dreamt that i woke up and everything was alright, and he wasnt waiting so much for sanity cause nothing ever changes but i know we are who we are

anon: whatever (drinking) you want?

me:i dont drink alcohol. (i'm alcohol intolerant) i should write a poem about that... it go: when was it that i stopped recognizing you, you who knew me a little too much, with whom i shared dreams and kisses. when was it that life simple ran off through my finger tips. wouldnt it be better to have met only in our imagination. perhaps we wouldnt have to wear these masks and stare in disillusion at the sky, wondering when was it i lost mine. so sad to watch go, knowing today we stand side by side only as acquaintences of circumstances that life shared with us. i wish you'd comprehend that for some reason, for some sign seeing you reminds me of someone that i'd lost long ago.

anon: you didnt just make it up

me: of course i did... look at me ciggarrette in one hand, staring far into the abyss... im a bitter sweet poet. its easy i just think of a word or a song and imagine what people would want to hear, its like describing emotions.

anon: whatever lets go...

me: suit yourself, i was gonna buy you another drink

anon: in that case lets stay (sip sip)

Friday, November 11, 2005

Letter to Karma

(dean of what goes around comes around [wgca])
heaven avenue
WWJD building

Dear Karma,

are you there karma? its me... shei...
I was wondering if maybe from the bottom of your big pink heart you could erase a few of my bad karma choices and so i can get off with a warning and a clean slate. so i'm sorry for;

*making fun of that one girls hair.

*contributing to the delinquency(not really a delinquent but you get the idea... right?) of an adolescent.

*for reading unnamed girl's diary(for the record... it didnt really have anything interesting in it and i repent on it... i wasted my time)

*for singing really loudly when everyone else was asleep (in my defense, i tried to sing them back to sleep.... they didnt like it)

*Stealing unnamed girl's boyfriend (wrong choice of judgement, i did give him back though... i get points for that right?)

*for using my abilities of writing/manipulation/creativity to write very hurtful emails for and to other people and actually sending them (i was helping them.... i should get good points for that too)

*reading people's chatlog... printing them... outlining them.... emailing them.... laughing about them.... teaching other people about them.. saving them... naming them.... you know the whole shabang (

*yelling at someone in public (he/she wasnt listening... what was i suppose to do... wait?!)

*listening in on other peoples conversation and then commenting them with my co-conspirator (i had helpppp it's not like i acted alone)

i doubtedly will ever make a list (im no earl hickey) but i promise to try really really hard not to do them again... and just in a case i do... im sorry :)... you're a great gal karma, please let me know if you have any difficulties fufilling the erasing of my rap sheet. please convince the big man on top to allow this one time.

with love...

  • this is letter is fiction (for the brainless that means this writing was produced from imagination and not necessarily is based on fact)... i wrote this for kicks and laughs

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


A Box Full Of Sharp Objects.....

and when you get cut from the piece of broken glass that seems to point out of my heart, will you look at your bleeding hand and faint? or will you hold on as tight as ever... and if you do hold on and feel your chest getting hurt from the needle that seems to have found a place inside your chest, will you pull it out and disregard me.. or will you look deeply into my broken heart and pick up the piece? slowly removing all that seems to pierce my soul and yours?

[ipod on]

playlist of choice- saying im sorry....

check that off...

playlist of choice- emotion is dead

song of choice- i know/ trespassers william

inspiration factor- 8/10

Significance of song- knowing that all they had is gone and knowing she'll never be there with him again.... bitter...


I know that if i waited i know that if i wait a thousand days will lie wasted with thoughts of you


........ beebop?....... not getting any signals from my brain... is this writers block?


deep thought....[sigh] nothing

*its blank... yup its totally blank....*

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

a whole lot of nothingness

with the ghost of you who is always there im left to fend for my own thoughts but always knowing youre there. may you be able to count on me like i do on you

light of my heart that like a flickering candle is threatening to turn off, as a rough wind has passed this way. and in the darkness i can see that somehow i have been sorrounded by everlasting bits of extasy that lift me up and give me hope again. and when this all fades away and when the lamp is finally left on its on, will i still be yearning the vivacious and constant monotany that i've held so dear.

so this weekend things seemed to go on about in a very strange way, where i had to come across things i havent yet wanted to think about which left me wandering about in my own world of thoughts who's only guest is I. during this search for meaning i was distracted:

ring ring
(blocked id)


is this sheila

uhh yeah.....

are you from australia sheila (background x= 2)

umm who is it...

.......(dead silence)

sarina... i dont know who this is....

*sarina* click..... i made it easy....

ok so back to the analyzing... i figured out... well this i always knew... that perhaps i think too much and its better to leave things......

ring ring


.......(dead silence)


ok whatever back on the soul thing... wait i wonder who was it that called.../ it sounded like james but no hes sleeping.... ok moving on.... its better to leave things.... maybe it was rimsky i bet it was him.... nope wasnt him..... its better to leave things.... no... it couldnt be.... but maybe.... nahhh impossible.... but if "it" did..... no no just forget it....

anyways where was i.... oh yes its better to leave things... great i've lost my string of mini epyphanies. shoulda, coulda, woulda........

Friday, October 21, 2005

To make a mountain

i was listening to music today and i heard a very interesting song from a very interesiting group who seems to always give us some inspirational message from the group that brought us the song popular.... nadasurf. ok so today listening to always love got me thinking about everything and of course my sister was my inspiration when she stole his frase by telling me if you want to make a mountain of your life go ahead but i wont..... so today's inspirational quote will be: "To make a mountain of your life Is just a choice But I never learned enough to listen to the voice that told me Always love…hate will get you every time Always love…Don’t wait till the finish line" so dont let your sould get invaded by such hate because then you wont allow love to come inside your soul. keep in mind that the best way to beat your enemy is with compassion, love and friendliness...

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

ok so i really dont feel like writing because i want to smoke a cigarrette... but lets see what comes out.

hanging out like usual, im stormed with everyday problems of everyday people, which of course leads to me analyzing everything and finally publish it here..... most of the time.

yesterday i was bombarded with situations on love, and thinking i could solve their problems people usually really on me... i dont necessary know why but whatever totally not the point right now. at that moment i decided to look up the meaning of love and here's what i found:

love ( P ) Pronunciation Key (lv)n.
A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
Sexual passion.
Sexual intercourse.
A love affair.
An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.
A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.

loved, lov·ing, loves v. tr.
To have a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward (a person): We love our parents. I love my friends.
To have a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward (a person).
To have an intense emotional attachment to: loves his house.
To embrace or caress.
To have sexual intercourse with.
To like or desire enthusiastically: loves swimming.
Theology. To have charity for.
To thrive on; need: The cactus loves hot, dry air.

so thats love... a very simple definition that doesnt seem to really capture the essense of what we have learned is love..... ok think about that for a sec.... ill be back later or tommorrow to write the rest....

so i said, im sorry i missed you, i guess the arrow didnt hold.

not normally moody

Through her eyes

If forgetting was that easy I would have done it long ago.
But what love doesn’t tell you is that the end hurts most.
And maybe I’ve forgotten, I surely have let go.
But still you’re like a ghost and I your welcoming host.

I’m trying to accommodate a feeling that can’t exist
While trying to rid this sensation that wishes to reminisce
So bid this sentiment farewell, saying I insist.
But still I cant help feeling my arrow was the one that missed.

On the long way down I realized I may have been the one lost
And perhaps a reason why he felt his feelings had been neglected
Hence I apologized saying, this love is star-crossed.
But still I think all this is a mood that has wrongfully been listed.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

About me

001. Sheila
002. Shei shei
003. Nathalie

001. my hair(when it was long)
002. my smile
003. ….everything (full of myself)

001. Dominican
003. italian

001. ghosts
002. scary movies (obviously)
003. death

001. cigarrette
002. shower
003. food

001. vote for pedro tshirt
002. jeans
003. glasses

001. the used
002. the wreckers
003. Dashboard confessionals

001. the good kind- wreckers
002. blue and yellow- the used
003. hands down

001. trust
002. love
003. attention(all on me of course)

TWO TRUTHS & A LIE [in no particular order]:
001. I hate shopping
002. I love writing
003. I hate being away from home for long periods of time

001. Smile(very important)
002. personality(smart please)
003. eyes

002. day dreaming
003. writing

001. smoke
002. get hypnotized so I can stop smoking
003. eat… im hungry

001. psychologist specializing in addiction….. im on my way to that
002. HOUSE WIFE(my favorite…. And when I mean housewife I mean not doing
anything at all… well somethings)
003. profiler

001. Rodrigo
002. Emma
003. Katherine

001. find the essence of happiness
002. have kids
003. succeed in whatever challenge god has for me

001. rumors
002. immaturity(being funny is not being immature, its having sense of humor
don’t misunderstand me)
003. losing a discussion (which means I never lose)

001. When I graduated, which is also the saddest
002. When I got my literature medal
003. when I went to constanza with my boyfriend and my family

001. “I can sum up what ive learned in life in 3 words: IT GOES ON”
002. “life is like a box of chocolates you never know what youre gonna get”
003. “It takes two to tango”

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

my boyfriend

ok so since i never talk about him i decided to dedicate this post to him..., so i met james like 2 years ago just when i start college and he was the type of person i really really didnt like near me, but seemed to be there everytime i didnt want to be alone. so yes i thought he was a little snobish and kinda "quiet". he was the rude kind of quiet... yeah i really didnt like him, but i didnt dislike him either. Well after having to hang out for so long, he kinda grew on me and i kinda grew on him. now it wasnt the "he's the only one here so i will have to sit with him" kinda thing, but more like oh theres james let me go to him. so after i missed a semester i was surprised to find an email of him saying something that james would say (when hes drunk and looking for a girl). but whatever thats another story altogether. continuing on, i write back saying i missed his "quietness"/stupidness. so he asks me out, me being as undecided as i am say sure, but wondering how im gonna get out of it if i decide i dont really want to go out with him. well after a while we do go out and catch a movie. during the movie i just thought.... oh this sucks... this dude doesnt talk but i knew that... great im bored, its kinda scary movie and everytime i get scared, he calls me a wuss. ok so not everything was bad after that it got a little better, but we werent just that into each other but somehow we keep calling one another... and while he throughs "witty" insulting remarks, i do the same with much more sutleness. It wasnt gonna get anywhere i mean this guy who told me he would never ask a girl to be his girlfriend is just not what im looking for. i realized then that maybe i needed something different. so we dated for what seemed like forever(which really was like a month or so) and then all drunk (like usual back then) i said something like im mad at you and hes like oh thats too bad cause i wanted you to be my girlfriend... by this point i was like your kidding right? and hes like no... im like yes you are and after awhile i bought it... so here we are almost six very strange months later. now your probably wondering what our relationship is like... well its kinda off a rollercoaster of everything. i am spoiled i can admit that, and for such different personalities to be together we kinda needed to come to a middle ground.... which isnt always what i do best, and thinking this was gonna be a passing thing its become much more than that. and ive learn to love everything about him cause he is alot to handle, but so am i. so there i love you you idiot

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Used-Bert

so what have i been doing lately you wonder... nothing much.... university... sleep... music... my obsession. ok so yes i have become addicted to emo, but whatever, rather an addiction to music than to anything else dont you think. this band, the used, is an incredible mixture of sound, passion and great lyrics. at first i heard the songs thought hmm this is interesting and all the sudden i've been like sucked into this world of the used. it seems that every song has a special meaning you can identify with. after reading well, i was gonna say just about them, but i should say EVERYTHING about them, i understand now why i like them so much. its hard to find soething you can relate to and wether its pop, rock, punk, metal whatever it seems all bands have something similarities to them and this one seems to break away that mold. ok so whatever... i sound... fanatic... which is so being weird again... ayy olvidalo

Monday, September 26, 2005

all that i've got - the used

So deep that I didn't even bleed and catch meOff guard, red handedNow I'm far from lonelyAsleep I still see you lying next to meSo deep that I didn't even bleed And catch me I'll I'll......I need something else would someonePlease just give me, hit me,Knock me out, and let me go back to sleep.I can laugh all I want inside I still am empty,So deep that I didn't even bleed And catch me I'll I'll.....I'll be just finePretending I'm notI'm far from lonelyAnd it's all that I've gotI'll be just finePretending I'm notI'm far from lonelyAnd it's all that I've gotI guess, I remember every glance you shot meUn-harmed, I'm losing weight and some body heatI squoze so hardI stopped your heart from beatingSo deep that I didn't even scream fuck me I'll I'll.....I'll be just finePretending I'm notI'm far from lonelyAnd it's all that I've gotI'll be just finePretending I'm notI'm far from lonelyAnd it's all that I've gotIt's all that I've got...It's all that I've got...It's all that I've got...Yeah, It's all that i've got...Yeah, It's all that i've got...It's all that I've gotIt's all that I've gotIt's all that I've gotSo deep that I didn't even bleed And catch meSo deep that I didn't even scream fuck meI'll be just finePretending I'm notI'm far from lonelyAnd it's all that I've gotI'll be just finePretending I'm notI'm far from lonelyAnd it's all that I've gotAnd it's all that I've gotYeah, it's all that I've got

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

The Eeyore Effect

I found myself today bored and with nothing to do. I'm absolutely exasperated with the repeats in the movie channels, so i decided to read a book... thats when i found myself in a rut. i have read all the books i own already, so searching through my little memory bag/museum i found a book i had forgetten about a long time ago, The Te of Piglet. This book is a fun way to learn about Taoism portraying it through the eyes of Pooh Characters. Taoism which could be considered a way of life or philosophy, tends to analyze the relationship of men with the world. Lao Tse was a pioneer of taoism and wrote th Tao Te Ching which are commulative lessons on taoism, and its truly inspiring.

I tend to believe a lot of the lessons taught through this philosophy and when i found myself reading The eeyore effect, I thought perhaps it would be a great idea to include it here, since it describes a lot of people in our surroundings and it’s a good way to learn not to get hung up on their words. For those that seem to be eeyores it’s a good way for them to see how ridiculous they look.

P.s.: many wonder why I always write things that aren’t always that happy. Well the reason is the moments were I am happy don’t bother me and I don’t need to analyze or get rid of them, but sad moments I rather forget about and writing has always been an excellent way to free myself from negative emotions so there you go. Back to the main topic:

The Eeyore effect.

B.H. wrote that the Eeyore effect can be seen in every socially accepted negative phenomenon, such as the growing number of elderly young people who’s governing philosophy seems to be: It Wont Work, So why try? Or in today’s death camp chic fashions, and the popular ugly-skinny-angry-look.

Ok, so Eeyores are the people that always seem to be unhappy and never seem to find comfort in any surroundings. They are miserable and want other people to feel miserable. But we all know that misery loves company. The eeyores are complainers, they believe the negative but not the positive and are so hung up on the fact that everything goes wrong that they miss out on the good moments that seem to pass them by unseen.

Eeyores cant seem to understand that not everything is perfect and if it were we wouldn’t need to be here(this world) in order to learn. B.H. says in his book that heroes are heroic because they, despite their weaknesses and sometimes because of it, do great things. So maybe we could put ourselves out there and instead of complaining why everything goes wrong we look around and see that some things do go right.

I am aware of one thing that the eeyores seem to do perfectly, its pollute the minds of those around them perhaps by using big words or finding a negative number to everything that might be positive. But the truth is although they seem comforted by their wretchedness they must be very lonely.

Quoting B.H. Again: “Unhappiness is the result of being guided by illusions (and misperceptions-that was my adding-) such as the mistaken belief that man is something separate form the natural world. Unpleasant feelings of what might be, sadness for what might have been and so on”. Everything depends on how one looks at things and by stripping away our illusions and negativity we might alter that unhappiness/sadness into happy/joy.


So through the years we have collected lots of quotes. Here are some of my favorites.


“Oh tear filled figure who, like a sky held back, grows heavy above the landscape of her sorrow and when she weeps, the gentle raindrops fall, slanting upon the sand-bed of her heart”

“Rain fell last night quiet gentle rain that tapped against my window pane and called me back from troubled sleep to soothe a heart too numb to weep”

“I know there’s other fish in the sea, but I lost my pole when the last one got away from me”

“Can you go back in time, to a place in your mind, to the one who knew a part of you that you just couldn’t find? If you asked me to choose between a memory or two, when its all said and done, id take the one whose love I had to lose”

“Dreams last for so long, even after you’re gone, I know you love me and soon you will see you were meant for me and I was meant for you”

“.. the way I see it, you can either learn from it or cry about it”

“When you come to a road block, take a detour”

“Don’t hold grudges; its pointless. Jealousy too is a non- cathartic negative emotion” (I live by this quote.. well the jealousy part at least.)

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him, if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.” (remember there is nothing worse than the feeling of envy when your always nice)

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”

“Every man dies, not every man truly lives”

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: ITGOES ON”

“You can complain whether roses have thorns or rejoice cause thorns have roses”

Poem that is not mine but I really really like

The letter ill never send would
Calmly ask you why, you
Broke my hear in two and told
My love goodbye

If I ever sent this letter
It would sweetly state
You tangled up your destiny
And interrupted fate

The letter I will not write
Would casually inquire
How can you live without me-
I was your one desire

If you received this letter
It would politely say you
Need me in your life now
You cant go on this way.

The letter Ill never send
Would then be briskly
Signed “your one and only
Love” you know the one you
Left behind.

By Rebecca Saida

Monday, September 19, 2005

A True Talk

The truth is if we would have paid attention to something we learned in school it should have been that. An old friend reminded me that, yes, we did have the answer that could have prevented us from all those hard times when we wonder what could I have done and the what ifs that seem to torture our souls. It’s sad to know that somehow we forgot that one quote and that one abbreviation that defined who we were.

The motto of the tight group that we were, got lost and just as we disintegrated going in our own paths so it seemed that we also disintegrated our lessons.

“Never Expect Too Much”

We seemed to say that over, repeating ourselves like a broken record and when we needed it that most, it had vanished. So the reality of your whole situation is this, it is your fault you expected more than you should have from a person who isn’t you. Certainly you have to understand that the male species never really will have a mind of its own (well most of them at least). So to expect more than instincts from a species that is inferior emotionally is plain ignorant. I do admit that I too have fallen for them, the point is not about falling, but realizing that if you do decide to fall be prepared to stand back up (on your own) cause they will not notice you plunge and they might just point and laugh; don’t make the fall too far down because you just might get hurt. All I’m saying is measure, analyze, and interpret. It might just avoid some headaches.

Sure there will be some that might seem to leap out of this little stereotype, but what ive learned is not matter how different they might seem, they have always and will always be the same. Somehow these new descending habitants are just wearing disguises. But if you expect too much from them, they will let you down.

The S.W.A.T.’s

We used to be single women alone together (even when we had someone). Being taken doesn’t make you less single in this union of women, its just a way to understand that together we have the strength to overcome anything. Things did seem a lot easier when we were swats. Now it seems that by not having the group around, we let ourselves get overcome by this emotion “love” and cant see clearly and by not having a representative SWAT around, we stumble, we fall, we break, and we cry about it. We need urgently to contact each other and remember what it was like before when we were together than alone like now.

To my fellow SWATs….

Swat 1. who always had the quotes to guide us.

Swat 2. who knew when we had to stop having fun.

Swat 3. who always fell in love and by whom we learned valuable lessons about love.

Swat 4. who taught us that 3 years together doesn’t mean you’ll be together always

Swat 5. Who taught us to pass the time. Swat 6. who knew it was ok to be crazy

Friday, September 16, 2005

letters and poems

Emotional Bagagge

i was thinking about you the other day as i sat and heard a song that reminded me of your face. i keep wondering when it was you, who's always been so humble and sweet, suddenly became so bitterly mean. you used to be so much more than a boy and so much less than a man. you had searched through treacherous roads to find a place to call your own. i've been thinking perhaps along the way you were influenced by coming out the easy way. if this is so, i know now why you've lost so much more than you've gained. colored paper bills and shiny coins are such a small bargain for trying to hide away the emotional baggage(i still see past your shoulder).

Illusive ideas

Ive been searching into the depths of the sea and the infinite sky
searching for someone and finding nothing but deception
finally understanding that i had been too credulous on my terms
of finding love, i decided to let go of these illusive ideas.
but just as i lost all hope, i found you staring at me as ive always stared
at you. but still holding all doubt that i've ever feel anything more but
attraction towars someone i gave myself the chance of getting to know
you and things started to fade away and replaced by the constant need of
having you near. my feelings are growing stronger for you as time passes
and i can tell you sincerely... im falling for you

Old feelings

i dreamnt of you last night and in my dream you told me to put the past away.
but having you been my past i cant seem to let it go. it's haunting me like a ghost,
whom i cannot flee from in this house, this life that seems to be damned without
ive heard that time heals all wounds, but my injures who have not healed are left
open to infections that make it ache more than usual and i feel as though the
blackness of my heart is being picked with a spoon and i do not bleed.
i feel only hurt and emptiness, where i find joy in nothing, where i find love in no one.


It's in you

it's your smile, your gentle voice, the things you say and those that
are left unsaid, those are few of the milliion things that drive me crazy
about you. i used to dream about the one who got away and now i
rejoice on you, the one i want here to stay. it's only now that i realize
that of all the sad situations i've gone through lately, has only been
a preparation for the best thing i have now. i dont know how its possible
for me to have someone as wonderful and loving as you. i want to give you
everything i possess and share with you all my thoughts and dreams. those
that lately are all about you


te busco y no te encuentro
te llamo y no contestas
pregunto y no obtengo respuestas
de porque no puedo estar contigo otra
vez, cuando fue que perdi a quien mas
deseaba y quede tan desolada, con el corazon
clavado en un papel.
si perfecto fuera un trago, ya lo
hubiera probado y talvez no
te estubiera cantando, preguntandome
porque y como fue.

Love at sight

having seen your fae, i've
been shown that love
which comes only by laying
your eyes upon a person
for the first time.

the pink, the yellow and blue
lights that made your face
shine as if you were an angel,
where i could not for one second
take my stare off of you.

but the impossibility of love
for whom i do not know
makes me believe of the
misunderstandment of love
oh but with all the hope i hold
i do wish to know you.

when i saw your smile
i was captivated, seducted by
your pearly whites and lips
that seem so sweet.

i want to hear your voice,
if only a hello
and perhaps i could conquer
you with my mind and try
to make true this dream
of love at sight.


Worthless Love

Is love worth it?
to give away your heart that might be broken
to feel the codependency of a desire that always
makes you weak. to feel the dispair of not being
able to hold on to someon who owns your soul.

Is it necessary?
to sacrifice yourself and never have him completely
to wither away as if a waterless flower, of whom
he makes popurri out of.

to love is to lose, and yet we know not how to misuse
worthless heart, captured brain that does not let you
choose wisely.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

more old poems

Out of luck

I may have ran out on luck,
But I never had much of it anyway.
With tears trying to figure this out
Somehow, I feel just so weak. I think
I cant get up, im afraid I might fall
And I have no place to land, I feel
Like im all alone in the middle of
A forsaken world and yet just thinking
About it, I think I am alone in this place
Im trying to catch myself, but I just seem
To fall. I don’t know if to laugh or cry, to
Mend or break, to live or be lost. And yet im
Lost in the world of the living. What ever
Happened to the great plan you held for us?
Did it fall apart and your just too tired to
Pick up the pieces? Cause I cant find my heart
And I know its hard to take the pain that is
Given to you and accept it as your own.
No hello
I pick up what is left of your things and I hide
Them away in a box, to hurt to open it, to scared
To let it disappear into a thin memory. Too late
To change your mind, too late to look back. I seem
To have lost my mind somewhere along the way and
Now I cant seem to want it back... maybe if I can just
Disappear into myself, I don’t have to believe this didn’t
Come to anything at all. I never truly wanted to believe
That this would come to be, people are just that ignorant.
They try to put away the inevitable in order not to hurt
Themselves and end up destroying themselves. So you see
I seem to never win. So ill just sit here with my own fresh
Tears and try to claw onto my sanity.

Poems (early 2005)

This our poems i wrote early this year when i was going through very hard moments in my life i thought would never come to an end. finding a way to release the feeling that overcome you, will help you to heal faster. with time the poems keep changing and the subjects become less specific, and more diverse. later i will post some of my later poems or short stories, for you to see the change.

My emotions have the best of me, they are
like a rollercoaster and when they go down,
i feel i cant get back up.

my emotional conciousness has left me in a rut
and no matter what i try i keep falling into the
same hole.

then the beauty of grace comes to my rescue and
takes my emotional ride and makes a racetrack with
its pieces.

my emotional headache has been behaving better,
but still i find myself in one of those days when
not even a higher power can drag me out.

then i hear my own voice echoing: "I have loved you
with everlasting love; i have franw you with ever
lasting kindness, i will built you up again and you
will be rebuilt" (jeremiah 31 3:4)
I am broken, i have lost my faith, my soul, my heart.
i feel as though i drag weights of chain, heaviness of the
cross i carry. i am empty, i am empty, i am empty and
yet my head is full of lessons learned.

But what have i become without a soul? i am only
wandering helplessly around this land feeling nothing
but sorrow. i want to live, i want to live, i want to live;
but still i cannot find one reaon to.

Like a rose picked from its bush, whose petals are
slowl dying, i was tron rapidly from a world i've always
known and now withering too soon.

Will i ever rid myself from this longing solitude?
will i find my way? i am in such need of salvation,
perhaps i no longer have much faith, but my hope
is all in you lord.

I'm stuck in this arena of pain. a hollow heart
that weeps in discomfort. it's a hard life i am
going through, cant find comfort not even in the
thought of you. tonight is getting cold and my soul
seems to freeze itself in a moment of time that would
never come back and tears seem to fall without rest.
i am disconsorted, overwhelmed and in this demise of
inflicted injusry caused by a broken heard that does
not seem to mend, the days are long and ardous. all i
want id to erase all memories and perhaps wont feel the
need of running away.

Franchy(my best friend)

A Smile as genuine as a pearl,
he's the image of humbleness and
simplicity.he wears a golden heart t
hat is never shielded. overcoming even
the most difficult of obstacles, he's a dream
come true. pure and honest with his shiny locks,
he's a heartbreaker, but one you always want
to give you heart too.

El humo del cigarillo me acuerda
de tu mirada y los momentos en
que nos sentabamos uno al lado
del otro haciendo no mas que
Entre el coqueteo y las miradas
poco obvias ha crecido un cariƱo
dificil de definir
Nos pusieron en el mismo sitio
al mismo tiempo con un proposito
que va mas alla de lo que pueda
Entre los momentos cuyos los
cigarillos eran nuestros unicos
amigos, he ido cayendo con este
semitimiento que me trae miedo
y felicidad.
Te has convertido en mi confidente,
el que nunca me falla y ahora mas que
esos 5 cigarillos, tambien me he
encontrado contigo.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Close your eyes! Try to picture it. I’m in this place that stimulates a serenity that seems to possess all of my thoughts. It’s the one place everyone runs towards when they are overcome by their emotions, which can be both good and bad.

Imagine walking down a hall where every step I take I’m a little more closer to my soul, to my heart, and upon arriving to a spot that is illuminated with candles, all holding a secret they cannot share. I look onto the shrine that has been so rightly position as if to make me feel the saints that overlook me in the stoops. As I kneel, head bowed down I intertwine with a wise man and gently say:
"I want to fall in love with You"

Inside our hearts we know that this is a sanctuary where we come and seek compassion and remorse. Sitting quietly I hear a man speak words that seem to captivate my soul, he articulates these moral lessons that seem to come alive, and as my eyes wonder about the walls all filled with such intellectual people that gave us reasons to believe we can be lead towards the right passage and there I understood why:

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him Someday He'll call us and we will come running and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray

It is rather peculiar to choose this specific place to be described, but in my heart I truly believe this site can save souls and lead those who find themselves astray in the right path. I come here often, once a week as do many who share these same ideals: Sitting silent wearing Sunday bestThe sermon echoes through the wallsA great salvation through it calls to the peoplewho stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls I hold a firm belief that sometimes we are so drawn into our own selfish lives we pass through this wonderful place day after day, year after year, generation after generation, and not one day do we come inside this house and repent over our wrong doings. But instead we live in a blinded world where most of us are too afraid or have gone too astray to remember this one haven that has existed far beyond our times. There every Sunday I can’t help but to fall in the conviction that:

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",Not close enough to call you "God"

So as I sit and think of words I can mentionto show my devotion The house of God is where I come not only to show repentance but to convey all the emotions the human being is capable of experiencing, because the meaning of a place should be able to create a lucid look upon you, since in the end It is your sanctuary. And remember:
My Heart Beats For You

Music By: Jars Of Clay – Love Song For a Savior

Monday, September 05, 2005

some songs.

1. The weakness in me - Joan Armatrading
2. Half-life- Duncan Sheik
3. Nubes negras- Los de adentro
4. Dont cry- Guns & roses
5.It's You- Sin Plomo
6. The Blowers daughter- Damien Rice
7. Grey Sky Morning- Vertical Horizon
8. As Long as it matters- Gin Blossoms
9. For the moments i feel faint- Relient K (this is a christian song)
10. Beautiful Disaster- Kelly Clarkson
11. Let her cry- Hootie and the blowfish


1. Dumb reminders- no use for a name
2. Your name here- straylight run
3. Drowning lessons- My chemical romance
4. Kind of perfect- Armor for sleep
5. Crush- Jimmy Eat World
6. Who i am hates who ive been- Relient K
7. I so hate consequences- Relient K
8. Screaming Infidelities- Dashboard Confessionals
9. The brilliant song- Dashboard Confessionals
10. It's not a side effect of the cocaine, it must be love - Fall out boy
11. Day that i die- Good Charlotte

So there you have it music for your collection. of course i am a devoted fan of anything thats punk (especially emo) so any good songs you guys can send it my way.

exploring through virginia woolf

“On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points”

Living in a place where your every move is being observed its hard to be authentic. The truth is whenever we go a little downhill, someone is always there to watch as fall, point, and laugh. Its easier to create stories and complain about someone’s incompetency, when they really have never been in there shoes. The truth is sometimes bad things do happen to good people and more times than you would think you will be misleaded by rumors and gossip, perhaps to the point that you would lose the opportunity to meet someone who might be just what you needed at the time. All this just because we rather believe fascinating stories that would give us a few laughs or perhaps entertain us for a while, than believe that the real story is just as common as your own.

“Knowing life for what it is. Living life for what it is. Is the light of every human being.”

What is living for you? maybe its becoming famous, being a great writer, marry rich or perhaps become successful. Some people would rather have something simpler like understanding and happiness. I can only speak for myself. For me knowing life is getting to a point where I could be happy with any moment in any situation and finally understanding where we come from and what we are meant to achieve. My light is completing whichever goal I came here to realize. Many times I asked my mother why I was the way I was and she told me “every one has a mission in this world and people that great missions tend to suffer, because by learning through mistakes and pain, they will be stronger to complete what they need to fulfill this. I feel you have something special inside you, that you don’t want to discover”. Mother always knows best.

“You cannot find peace by avoiding life”

avoiding life is probably something im really good at. I try so hard to not feel any type a pain that I tend to run away whatever it is I can’t handle or control. Sometimes facing that that causes us pain, will be what makes it go away. Time. I’ve been told over and over time heals, time heals and you know what I learned after 20 years in this young body with this old soul, that it does.

“My own brain is to me the most unaccountable of machinery --always buzzing, humming, soaring roaring diving, and then buried in mud. And why? What's this passion for?”

In my particular, weird, complicated case. I feel tired of myself, always thinking, always contemplating, always wondering. Whenever I tell one of the people I love most in this world, ive been thinking. His response is always, thinking isn’t good for you. the reason why my mind is always buzzing its because im trying to comprehend everything that surrounds me, as a believer that we are only temporarily in this earth and only passing to learn another lesson and move on to another life… I tend to go off buzzing about trying to uncover secrets of the soul. But what is this passion for?

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Explaining love through Camus (written in 2003)

I seem to be doing the very same thing day after day and I can’t help but feel like Sisyphus and his rock. Camus said we should live out different experiences and realize that life is actually an absurdity. I realize I haven’t lived out different experiences and yes, my life is an absurdity. I feel an emptiness I can’t seem to fill, and no matter how much I try I always end up right where I started with the same feelings. The absurdity of my life is the hope that things will somehow change and I will be a different person, an absurd hope.

It is the absurd hope, because no matter where I am, or what different hobby i'm working in, somehow I come back with the same loneliness and desperation and the hope that one day it will go away.

love. Everywhere you turn love slaps you in the face, we have given such an importance to love, that we let ourselves be attracted to the feelings of being conquered and forget that after a few months he/she will feel like your brother or sister. That love that lasts forever is so rare and we want it so bad that sometimes we just let ourselves believe we actually found it and we aren’t even close to it.

So then there’s this constant tale of a “love-story” that you keep trying to buy so you won’t feel as though you actually are just with this person because you don’t want to be alone. The truth is no one wants to be alone, and yet when you actually are with that someone who you claim to “love”, but are really thinking when that perfect-in-every-way person will come along, you are actually alone, maybe even with a stronger feeling of loneliness than when your by yourself.
So, I was sitting down watching this movie in which the guy proclaims his devoted love to this girl and she turns him down, then magically realizes she loves him. Like that actually happens. The truth is 90% of the time the other person says “nope, I don’t like you” they won’t change their mind. But of course apart from the exceptions, there’s always the rebound. The poor guy/girl won’t know what hit them! If the person actually comes back it’s because they are definitely on the rebound and thus see this “devotion” to be an answer for a broken heart. This will do two things: prevent them from getting their heart broken and fill the void, for a while.

But having now relived and experienced pure upset, I finally understand that the reality is we don’t know what we have until we lose it. Since the person you thought you really didn’t love was always there, devoted and understanding you take them for granted, until they realize they don’t need that and let you go. Then and there is when you go “oh my god” I love him. But that oh my god came to late and you are left stranded on the sidewalk with no way of catching that car ever again.

Then and there is your broken heart, yup, its unmendable. You’ve sunk into your own abyss, and again you feel hopeless and lonely. So in what moment is it that we will actually ever feel complete?