There's music in love, love in music, and life is all in between

Monday, September 26, 2005

all that i've got - the used

So deep that I didn't even bleed and catch meOff guard, red handedNow I'm far from lonelyAsleep I still see you lying next to meSo deep that I didn't even bleed And catch me I'll I'll......I need something else would someonePlease just give me, hit me,Knock me out, and let me go back to sleep.I can laugh all I want inside I still am empty,So deep that I didn't even bleed And catch me I'll I'll.....I'll be just finePretending I'm notI'm far from lonelyAnd it's all that I've gotI'll be just finePretending I'm notI'm far from lonelyAnd it's all that I've gotI guess, I remember every glance you shot meUn-harmed, I'm losing weight and some body heatI squoze so hardI stopped your heart from beatingSo deep that I didn't even scream fuck me I'll I'll.....I'll be just finePretending I'm notI'm far from lonelyAnd it's all that I've gotI'll be just finePretending I'm notI'm far from lonelyAnd it's all that I've gotIt's all that I've got...It's all that I've got...It's all that I've got...Yeah, It's all that i've got...Yeah, It's all that i've got...It's all that I've gotIt's all that I've gotIt's all that I've gotSo deep that I didn't even bleed And catch meSo deep that I didn't even scream fuck meI'll be just finePretending I'm notI'm far from lonelyAnd it's all that I've gotI'll be just finePretending I'm notI'm far from lonelyAnd it's all that I've gotAnd it's all that I've gotYeah, it's all that I've got

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

The Eeyore Effect

I found myself today bored and with nothing to do. I'm absolutely exasperated with the repeats in the movie channels, so i decided to read a book... thats when i found myself in a rut. i have read all the books i own already, so searching through my little memory bag/museum i found a book i had forgetten about a long time ago, The Te of Piglet. This book is a fun way to learn about Taoism portraying it through the eyes of Pooh Characters. Taoism which could be considered a way of life or philosophy, tends to analyze the relationship of men with the world. Lao Tse was a pioneer of taoism and wrote th Tao Te Ching which are commulative lessons on taoism, and its truly inspiring.

I tend to believe a lot of the lessons taught through this philosophy and when i found myself reading The eeyore effect, I thought perhaps it would be a great idea to include it here, since it describes a lot of people in our surroundings and it’s a good way to learn not to get hung up on their words. For those that seem to be eeyores it’s a good way for them to see how ridiculous they look.

P.s.: many wonder why I always write things that aren’t always that happy. Well the reason is the moments were I am happy don’t bother me and I don’t need to analyze or get rid of them, but sad moments I rather forget about and writing has always been an excellent way to free myself from negative emotions so there you go. Back to the main topic:

The Eeyore effect.


B.H. wrote that the Eeyore effect can be seen in every socially accepted negative phenomenon, such as the growing number of elderly young people who’s governing philosophy seems to be: It Wont Work, So why try? Or in today’s death camp chic fashions, and the popular ugly-skinny-angry-look.

Ok, so Eeyores are the people that always seem to be unhappy and never seem to find comfort in any surroundings. They are miserable and want other people to feel miserable. But we all know that misery loves company. The eeyores are complainers, they believe the negative but not the positive and are so hung up on the fact that everything goes wrong that they miss out on the good moments that seem to pass them by unseen.

Eeyores cant seem to understand that not everything is perfect and if it were we wouldn’t need to be here(this world) in order to learn. B.H. says in his book that heroes are heroic because they, despite their weaknesses and sometimes because of it, do great things. So maybe we could put ourselves out there and instead of complaining why everything goes wrong we look around and see that some things do go right.

I am aware of one thing that the eeyores seem to do perfectly, its pollute the minds of those around them perhaps by using big words or finding a negative number to everything that might be positive. But the truth is although they seem comforted by their wretchedness they must be very lonely.

Quoting B.H. Again: “Unhappiness is the result of being guided by illusions (and misperceptions-that was my adding-) such as the mistaken belief that man is something separate form the natural world. Unpleasant feelings of what might be, sadness for what might have been and so on”. Everything depends on how one looks at things and by stripping away our illusions and negativity we might alter that unhappiness/sadness into happy/joy.

Quotes

So through the years we have collected lots of quotes. Here are some of my favorites.

“NEVER EXPECT TOO MUCH”

“Oh tear filled figure who, like a sky held back, grows heavy above the landscape of her sorrow and when she weeps, the gentle raindrops fall, slanting upon the sand-bed of her heart”
-RILKE

“Rain fell last night quiet gentle rain that tapped against my window pane and called me back from troubled sleep to soothe a heart too numb to weep”

“I know there’s other fish in the sea, but I lost my pole when the last one got away from me”

“Can you go back in time, to a place in your mind, to the one who knew a part of you that you just couldn’t find? If you asked me to choose between a memory or two, when its all said and done, id take the one whose love I had to lose”

“Dreams last for so long, even after you’re gone, I know you love me and soon you will see you were meant for me and I was meant for you”

“.. the way I see it, you can either learn from it or cry about it”

“When you come to a road block, take a detour”

“Don’t hold grudges; its pointless. Jealousy too is a non- cathartic negative emotion” (I live by this quote.. well the jealousy part at least.)

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him, if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.” (remember there is nothing worse than the feeling of envy when your always nice)

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”

“Every man dies, not every man truly lives”

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: ITGOES ON”

“You can complain whether roses have thorns or rejoice cause thorns have roses”



Poem that is not mine but I really really like

The letter ill never send would
Calmly ask you why, you
Broke my hear in two and told
My love goodbye

If I ever sent this letter
It would sweetly state
You tangled up your destiny
And interrupted fate

The letter I will not write
Would casually inquire
How can you live without me-
I was your one desire

If you received this letter
It would politely say you
Need me in your life now
You cant go on this way.

The letter Ill never send
Would then be briskly
Signed “your one and only
Love” you know the one you
Left behind.

By Rebecca Saida

Monday, September 19, 2005

A True Talk

The truth is if we would have paid attention to something we learned in school it should have been that. An old friend reminded me that, yes, we did have the answer that could have prevented us from all those hard times when we wonder what could I have done and the what ifs that seem to torture our souls. It’s sad to know that somehow we forgot that one quote and that one abbreviation that defined who we were.

The motto of the tight group that we were, got lost and just as we disintegrated going in our own paths so it seemed that we also disintegrated our lessons.

“Never Expect Too Much”

We seemed to say that over, repeating ourselves like a broken record and when we needed it that most, it had vanished. So the reality of your whole situation is this, it is your fault you expected more than you should have from a person who isn’t you. Certainly you have to understand that the male species never really will have a mind of its own (well most of them at least). So to expect more than instincts from a species that is inferior emotionally is plain ignorant. I do admit that I too have fallen for them, the point is not about falling, but realizing that if you do decide to fall be prepared to stand back up (on your own) cause they will not notice you plunge and they might just point and laugh; don’t make the fall too far down because you just might get hurt. All I’m saying is measure, analyze, and interpret. It might just avoid some headaches.

Sure there will be some that might seem to leap out of this little stereotype, but what ive learned is not matter how different they might seem, they have always and will always be the same. Somehow these new descending habitants are just wearing disguises. But if you expect too much from them, they will let you down.

The S.W.A.T.’s

We used to be single women alone together (even when we had someone). Being taken doesn’t make you less single in this union of women, its just a way to understand that together we have the strength to overcome anything. Things did seem a lot easier when we were swats. Now it seems that by not having the group around, we let ourselves get overcome by this emotion “love” and cant see clearly and by not having a representative SWAT around, we stumble, we fall, we break, and we cry about it. We need urgently to contact each other and remember what it was like before when we were together than alone like now.

To my fellow SWATs….

Swat 1. who always had the quotes to guide us.

Swat 2. who knew when we had to stop having fun.

Swat 3. who always fell in love and by whom we learned valuable lessons about love.

Swat 4. who taught us that 3 years together doesn’t mean you’ll be together always

Swat 5. Who taught us to pass the time. Swat 6. who knew it was ok to be crazy

Friday, September 16, 2005

letters and poems

Emotional Bagagge

i was thinking about you the other day as i sat and heard a song that reminded me of your face. i keep wondering when it was you, who's always been so humble and sweet, suddenly became so bitterly mean. you used to be so much more than a boy and so much less than a man. you had searched through treacherous roads to find a place to call your own. i've been thinking perhaps along the way you were influenced by coming out the easy way. if this is so, i know now why you've lost so much more than you've gained. colored paper bills and shiny coins are such a small bargain for trying to hide away the emotional baggage(i still see past your shoulder).

--------------------------------------------------------------
Illusive ideas

Ive been searching into the depths of the sea and the infinite sky
searching for someone and finding nothing but deception
finally understanding that i had been too credulous on my terms
of finding love, i decided to let go of these illusive ideas.
but just as i lost all hope, i found you staring at me as ive always stared
at you. but still holding all doubt that i've ever feel anything more but
attraction towars someone i gave myself the chance of getting to know
you and things started to fade away and replaced by the constant need of
having you near. my feelings are growing stronger for you as time passes
and i can tell you sincerely... im falling for you
--------------------------------------------------

Old feelings

i dreamnt of you last night and in my dream you told me to put the past away.
but having you been my past i cant seem to let it go. it's haunting me like a ghost,
whom i cannot flee from in this house, this life that seems to be damned without
you.
ive heard that time heals all wounds, but my injures who have not healed are left
open to infections that make it ache more than usual and i feel as though the
blackness of my heart is being picked with a spoon and i do not bleed.
i feel only hurt and emptiness, where i find joy in nothing, where i find love in no one.

--------------------------------------

It's in you

it's your smile, your gentle voice, the things you say and those that
are left unsaid, those are few of the milliion things that drive me crazy
about you. i used to dream about the one who got away and now i
rejoice on you, the one i want here to stay. it's only now that i realize
that of all the sad situations i've gone through lately, has only been
a preparation for the best thing i have now. i dont know how its possible
for me to have someone as wonderful and loving as you. i want to give you
everything i possess and share with you all my thoughts and dreams. those
that lately are all about you

-------------------------------------

te busco y no te encuentro
te llamo y no contestas
pregunto y no obtengo respuestas
de porque no puedo estar contigo otra
vez, cuando fue que perdi a quien mas
deseaba y quede tan desolada, con el corazon
clavado en un papel.
si perfecto fuera un trago, ya lo
hubiera probado y talvez no
te estubiera cantando, preguntandome
porque y como fue.
---------------------------------------

Love at sight

having seen your fae, i've
been shown that love
which comes only by laying
your eyes upon a person
for the first time.

the pink, the yellow and blue
lights that made your face
shine as if you were an angel,
where i could not for one second
take my stare off of you.

but the impossibility of love
for whom i do not know
makes me believe of the
misunderstandment of love
oh but with all the hope i hold
i do wish to know you.

when i saw your smile
i was captivated, seducted by
your pearly whites and lips
that seem so sweet.

i want to hear your voice,
if only a hello
and perhaps i could conquer
you with my mind and try
to make true this dream
of love at sight.

-----------------------------------------

Worthless Love

Is love worth it?
to give away your heart that might be broken
to feel the codependency of a desire that always
makes you weak. to feel the dispair of not being
able to hold on to someon who owns your soul.

Is it necessary?
to sacrifice yourself and never have him completely
to wither away as if a waterless flower, of whom
he makes popurri out of.

to love is to lose, and yet we know not how to misuse
worthless heart, captured brain that does not let you
choose wisely.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

more old poems

Out of luck

I may have ran out on luck,
But I never had much of it anyway.
With tears trying to figure this out
Somehow, I feel just so weak. I think
I cant get up, im afraid I might fall
And I have no place to land, I feel
Like im all alone in the middle of
A forsaken world and yet just thinking
About it, I think I am alone in this place
Im trying to catch myself, but I just seem
To fall. I don’t know if to laugh or cry, to
Mend or break, to live or be lost. And yet im
Lost in the world of the living. What ever
Happened to the great plan you held for us?
Did it fall apart and your just too tired to
Pick up the pieces? Cause I cant find my heart
And I know its hard to take the pain that is
Given to you and accept it as your own.
----------------------------------------
No hello
I pick up what is left of your things and I hide
Them away in a box, to hurt to open it, to scared
To let it disappear into a thin memory. Too late
To change your mind, too late to look back. I seem
To have lost my mind somewhere along the way and
Now I cant seem to want it back... maybe if I can just
Disappear into myself, I don’t have to believe this didn’t
Come to anything at all. I never truly wanted to believe
That this would come to be, people are just that ignorant.
They try to put away the inevitable in order not to hurt
Themselves and end up destroying themselves. So you see
I seem to never win. So ill just sit here with my own fresh
Tears and try to claw onto my sanity.

Poems (early 2005)


This our poems i wrote early this year when i was going through very hard moments in my life i thought would never come to an end. finding a way to release the feeling that overcome you, will help you to heal faster. with time the poems keep changing and the subjects become less specific, and more diverse. later i will post some of my later poems or short stories, for you to see the change.
-------------------------------------------

My emotions have the best of me, they are
like a rollercoaster and when they go down,
i feel i cant get back up.

my emotional conciousness has left me in a rut
and no matter what i try i keep falling into the
same hole.

then the beauty of grace comes to my rescue and
takes my emotional ride and makes a racetrack with
its pieces.

my emotional headache has been behaving better,
but still i find myself in one of those days when
not even a higher power can drag me out.

then i hear my own voice echoing: "I have loved you
with everlasting love; i have franw you with ever
lasting kindness, i will built you up again and you
will be rebuilt" (jeremiah 31 3:4)
-------------------------------------------------------
I am broken, i have lost my faith, my soul, my heart.
i feel as though i drag weights of chain, heaviness of the
cross i carry. i am empty, i am empty, i am empty and
yet my head is full of lessons learned.

But what have i become without a soul? i am only
wandering helplessly around this land feeling nothing
but sorrow. i want to live, i want to live, i want to live;
but still i cannot find one reaon to.

Like a rose picked from its bush, whose petals are
slowl dying, i was tron rapidly from a world i've always
known and now withering too soon.

Will i ever rid myself from this longing solitude?
will i find my way? i am in such need of salvation,
perhaps i no longer have much faith, but my hope
is all in you lord.
--------------------------------------------------

I'm stuck in this arena of pain. a hollow heart
that weeps in discomfort. it's a hard life i am
going through, cant find comfort not even in the
thought of you. tonight is getting cold and my soul
seems to freeze itself in a moment of time that would
never come back and tears seem to fall without rest.
i am disconsorted, overwhelmed and in this demise of
inflicted injusry caused by a broken heard that does
not seem to mend, the days are long and ardous. all i
want id to erase all memories and perhaps wont feel the
need of running away.

-----------------------------------------------
Franchy(my best friend)


A Smile as genuine as a pearl,
he's the image of humbleness and
simplicity.he wears a golden heart t
hat is never shielded. overcoming even
the most difficult of obstacles, he's a dream
come true. pure and honest with his shiny locks,
he's a heartbreaker, but one you always want
to give you heart too.

----------------------------------
El humo del cigarillo me acuerda
de tu mirada y los momentos en
que nos sentabamos uno al lado
del otro haciendo no mas que
hablar.
Entre el coqueteo y las miradas
poco obvias ha crecido un cariƱo
dificil de definir
Nos pusieron en el mismo sitio
al mismo tiempo con un proposito
que va mas alla de lo que pueda
entender.
Entre los momentos cuyos los
cigarillos eran nuestros unicos
amigos, he ido cayendo con este
semitimiento que me trae miedo
y felicidad.
Te has convertido en mi confidente,
el que nunca me falla y ahora mas que
esos 5 cigarillos, tambien me he
encontrado contigo.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Close your eyes! Try to picture it. I’m in this place that stimulates a serenity that seems to possess all of my thoughts. It’s the one place everyone runs towards when they are overcome by their emotions, which can be both good and bad.

Imagine walking down a hall where every step I take I’m a little more closer to my soul, to my heart, and upon arriving to a spot that is illuminated with candles, all holding a secret they cannot share. I look onto the shrine that has been so rightly position as if to make me feel the saints that overlook me in the stoops. As I kneel, head bowed down I intertwine with a wise man and gently say:
"I want to fall in love with You"

Inside our hearts we know that this is a sanctuary where we come and seek compassion and remorse. Sitting quietly I hear a man speak words that seem to captivate my soul, he articulates these moral lessons that seem to come alive, and as my eyes wonder about the walls all filled with such intellectual people that gave us reasons to believe we can be lead towards the right passage and there I understood why:

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him Someday He'll call us and we will come running and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray

It is rather peculiar to choose this specific place to be described, but in my heart I truly believe this site can save souls and lead those who find themselves astray in the right path. I come here often, once a week as do many who share these same ideals: Sitting silent wearing Sunday bestThe sermon echoes through the wallsA great salvation through it calls to the peoplewho stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls I hold a firm belief that sometimes we are so drawn into our own selfish lives we pass through this wonderful place day after day, year after year, generation after generation, and not one day do we come inside this house and repent over our wrong doings. But instead we live in a blinded world where most of us are too afraid or have gone too astray to remember this one haven that has existed far beyond our times. There every Sunday I can’t help but to fall in the conviction that:

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",Not close enough to call you "God"

So as I sit and think of words I can mentionto show my devotion The house of God is where I come not only to show repentance but to convey all the emotions the human being is capable of experiencing, because the meaning of a place should be able to create a lucid look upon you, since in the end It is your sanctuary. And remember:
My Heart Beats For You

Music By: Jars Of Clay – Love Song For a Savior

Monday, September 05, 2005

some songs.

1. The weakness in me - Joan Armatrading
2. Half-life- Duncan Sheik
3. Nubes negras- Los de adentro
4. Dont cry- Guns & roses
5.It's You- Sin Plomo
6. The Blowers daughter- Damien Rice
7. Grey Sky Morning- Vertical Horizon
8. As Long as it matters- Gin Blossoms
9. For the moments i feel faint- Relient K (this is a christian song)
10. Beautiful Disaster- Kelly Clarkson
11. Let her cry- Hootie and the blowfish

Emo-Punk

1. Dumb reminders- no use for a name
2. Your name here- straylight run
3. Drowning lessons- My chemical romance
4. Kind of perfect- Armor for sleep
5. Crush- Jimmy Eat World
6. Who i am hates who ive been- Relient K
7. I so hate consequences- Relient K
8. Screaming Infidelities- Dashboard Confessionals
9. The brilliant song- Dashboard Confessionals
10. It's not a side effect of the cocaine, it must be love - Fall out boy
11. Day that i die- Good Charlotte


So there you have it music for your collection. of course i am a devoted fan of anything thats punk (especially emo) so any good songs you guys can send it my way.

exploring through virginia woolf


“On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points”

Living in a place where your every move is being observed its hard to be authentic. The truth is whenever we go a little downhill, someone is always there to watch as fall, point, and laugh. Its easier to create stories and complain about someone’s incompetency, when they really have never been in there shoes. The truth is sometimes bad things do happen to good people and more times than you would think you will be misleaded by rumors and gossip, perhaps to the point that you would lose the opportunity to meet someone who might be just what you needed at the time. All this just because we rather believe fascinating stories that would give us a few laughs or perhaps entertain us for a while, than believe that the real story is just as common as your own.

“Knowing life for what it is. Living life for what it is. Is the light of every human being.”

What is living for you? maybe its becoming famous, being a great writer, marry rich or perhaps become successful. Some people would rather have something simpler like understanding and happiness. I can only speak for myself. For me knowing life is getting to a point where I could be happy with any moment in any situation and finally understanding where we come from and what we are meant to achieve. My light is completing whichever goal I came here to realize. Many times I asked my mother why I was the way I was and she told me “every one has a mission in this world and people that great missions tend to suffer, because by learning through mistakes and pain, they will be stronger to complete what they need to fulfill this. I feel you have something special inside you, that you don’t want to discover”. Mother always knows best.

“You cannot find peace by avoiding life”


avoiding life is probably something im really good at. I try so hard to not feel any type a pain that I tend to run away whatever it is I can’t handle or control. Sometimes facing that that causes us pain, will be what makes it go away. Time. I’ve been told over and over time heals, time heals and you know what I learned after 20 years in this young body with this old soul, that it does.

“My own brain is to me the most unaccountable of machinery --always buzzing, humming, soaring roaring diving, and then buried in mud. And why? What's this passion for?”

In my particular, weird, complicated case. I feel tired of myself, always thinking, always contemplating, always wondering. Whenever I tell one of the people I love most in this world, ive been thinking. His response is always, thinking isn’t good for you. the reason why my mind is always buzzing its because im trying to comprehend everything that surrounds me, as a believer that we are only temporarily in this earth and only passing to learn another lesson and move on to another life… I tend to go off buzzing about trying to uncover secrets of the soul. But what is this passion for?

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Explaining love through Camus (written in 2003)


I seem to be doing the very same thing day after day and I can’t help but feel like Sisyphus and his rock. Camus said we should live out different experiences and realize that life is actually an absurdity. I realize I haven’t lived out different experiences and yes, my life is an absurdity. I feel an emptiness I can’t seem to fill, and no matter how much I try I always end up right where I started with the same feelings. The absurdity of my life is the hope that things will somehow change and I will be a different person, an absurd hope.

It is the absurd hope, because no matter where I am, or what different hobby i'm working in, somehow I come back with the same loneliness and desperation and the hope that one day it will go away.

love. Everywhere you turn love slaps you in the face, we have given such an importance to love, that we let ourselves be attracted to the feelings of being conquered and forget that after a few months he/she will feel like your brother or sister. That love that lasts forever is so rare and we want it so bad that sometimes we just let ourselves believe we actually found it and we aren’t even close to it.

So then there’s this constant tale of a “love-story” that you keep trying to buy so you won’t feel as though you actually are just with this person because you don’t want to be alone. The truth is no one wants to be alone, and yet when you actually are with that someone who you claim to “love”, but are really thinking when that perfect-in-every-way person will come along, you are actually alone, maybe even with a stronger feeling of loneliness than when your by yourself.
So, I was sitting down watching this movie in which the guy proclaims his devoted love to this girl and she turns him down, then magically realizes she loves him. Like that actually happens. The truth is 90% of the time the other person says “nope, I don’t like you” they won’t change their mind. But of course apart from the exceptions, there’s always the rebound. The poor guy/girl won’t know what hit them! If the person actually comes back it’s because they are definitely on the rebound and thus see this “devotion” to be an answer for a broken heart. This will do two things: prevent them from getting their heart broken and fill the void, for a while.

But having now relived and experienced pure upset, I finally understand that the reality is we don’t know what we have until we lose it. Since the person you thought you really didn’t love was always there, devoted and understanding you take them for granted, until they realize they don’t need that and let you go. Then and there is when you go “oh my god” I love him. But that oh my god came to late and you are left stranded on the sidewalk with no way of catching that car ever again.

Then and there is your broken heart, yup, its unmendable. You’ve sunk into your own abyss, and again you feel hopeless and lonely. So in what moment is it that we will actually ever feel complete?