Sunday, September 04, 2005
Explaining love through Camus (written in 2003)
I seem to be doing the very same thing day after day and I can’t help but feel like Sisyphus and his rock. Camus said we should live out different experiences and realize that life is actually an absurdity. I realize I haven’t lived out different experiences and yes, my life is an absurdity. I feel an emptiness I can’t seem to fill, and no matter how much I try I always end up right where I started with the same feelings. The absurdity of my life is the hope that things will somehow change and I will be a different person, an absurd hope.
It is the absurd hope, because no matter where I am, or what different hobby i'm working in, somehow I come back with the same loneliness and desperation and the hope that one day it will go away.
love. Everywhere you turn love slaps you in the face, we have given such an importance to love, that we let ourselves be attracted to the feelings of being conquered and forget that after a few months he/she will feel like your brother or sister. That love that lasts forever is so rare and we want it so bad that sometimes we just let ourselves believe we actually found it and we aren’t even close to it.
So then there’s this constant tale of a “love-story” that you keep trying to buy so you won’t feel as though you actually are just with this person because you don’t want to be alone. The truth is no one wants to be alone, and yet when you actually are with that someone who you claim to “love”, but are really thinking when that perfect-in-every-way person will come along, you are actually alone, maybe even with a stronger feeling of loneliness than when your by yourself.
So, I was sitting down watching this movie in which the guy proclaims his devoted love to this girl and she turns him down, then magically realizes she loves him. Like that actually happens. The truth is 90% of the time the other person says “nope, I don’t like you” they won’t change their mind. But of course apart from the exceptions, there’s always the rebound. The poor guy/girl won’t know what hit them! If the person actually comes back it’s because they are definitely on the rebound and thus see this “devotion” to be an answer for a broken heart. This will do two things: prevent them from getting their heart broken and fill the void, for a while.
But having now relived and experienced pure upset, I finally understand that the reality is we don’t know what we have until we lose it. Since the person you thought you really didn’t love was always there, devoted and understanding you take them for granted, until they realize they don’t need that and let you go. Then and there is when you go “oh my god” I love him. But that oh my god came to late and you are left stranded on the sidewalk with no way of catching that car ever again.
Then and there is your broken heart, yup, its unmendable. You’ve sunk into your own abyss, and again you feel hopeless and lonely. So in what moment is it that we will actually ever feel complete?