There's music in love, love in music, and life is all in between

Sunday, December 10, 2006

REMEMBERING SEATTLE

Seattle's history points out how before becoming what it is today, the city was much lower and thus had continuous flooding... after it burnt down they rebuilt a city over it... and thats what the underground tour is about (http://www.undergroudtour.com)
ohhh and in the old seattle(the underground one) the toilets had to be very high because since seattle kept flooding the toilets would overflow causing a piles of crap(literally), so the toilets were built higher. you would actually need steps to reach them.... ironically, here where toilets were such a hassle, was were they were actually invented. (flushing toilets, if you want me to be exact)


THE DINER

so today i was watching/listening to this cover band doing covers of seattle bands... and well of course it made me remember how much i miss seattle and why... so my favorite place in seattle was a place called the five point cafe.... its a great place, great people.... interesting stories... i got it all on tape jiji.






Beyond rockin'. Can be LOUD.
Cool owner, middle-aged guy with a pipe who's frequently around to have a chin-wag with.
Immense platters of yummy, artery-clogging, authentique greasy spoon cuisine, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Only a block from my apartment (well, it was mine for 2 weeks jiji)!

hangover breakfasts. Awesome jukebox.

Scary, dusty/greasy bras suspended from a MOOSE HEAD. Check it out.

Windows crammed with garish neon - whee!

Sometimes junkies come to roost in the john.Strong drinks. Cheap, too!


My home sweet home in seattle




ahh the vermont inn, whose beautiful scenery included the SPACE NEEDLE, just two blocks away....


THE VIEW FROM THE VERMONT INN ROOF


its a masterpiece i didnt take... from the roof you can also see the seattle skyline and with a nifty camcorder (like i had) or binoculars you can see inside other apartments jiji that is if they have the windows open.
I WISH I WERE THERE......
may i remind you all of the great bands seattle has been a part of developing (nirvana, pearljam, soundgarden). but perhaps my favorite bands were those i found in the corners of the streets, mostly broadway (very grunge, indie street in seattle)...
thanks for the tour...

Friday, November 24, 2006

Lurking to find you


I can stare into your eyes till i go blind
i love you even in the corniest of moments
Destiny might have put us in the same place

but it was my determination that brought you

close to me. Sitting in a wooden couch i saw in

your eyes the rest of my life. In the darkness of the night

down an empty road a simple gesture made

me realize you where the one id been waiting

for all my life. Without you the stars would

weep and hide in sadness, my heart would

walk out on me and my soul would fade

away. Your the key to my success, your

the one i want to always keep safe.



Saturday, November 11, 2006

B- Sides to my tongue

1. Laugh so you dont cry- Andy Davis "

2. Boston- Augustana

3. Red Right Ankle- The Decemberists

4. Inda- Ken Oak Band

5. Himerus and Eros- Spill Canvas

6. Lonely September- Plain White T's


It's nice to know someone is listening

It had to be this way

it was while i was fixing my broken car when our paths met. i was alongside the rode waiting for someone to come by and help. desolate, tired, and hungry i had lost all my strengths, you saw the damages and concluded that it was impossible to fix. i sat down in a broken rock shaped like a heart and the tears started rolling down my eyes. you sat beside me and decided i could ride with you. after apologizing for having to carry on your way with me i climbed into the passenger side of the vehicle. you asked where i was heading i responded by saying i was trying to find the end of the rainbow, thats where all the dreams come true, you were heading the same way. but little did i know.... i found the end of the rainbow when i sat next to you. i dont know what comes after realizing your dreams, but with you beside me, we could try to find the end of the world next.

Friday, November 10, 2006

so few come and dont go

i saw you in my dreams last night,
its just another story piled up in the
closet of memories i have of you. but
last night your soul vibrated with colors
i was lost in and you came to life before my
eyes, i couldnt help but reminisce about things
i thought were lost to me. i awoke to find myself
in a dreamers dilema, the inability to distinguish the
reality and the lie which i so agressively tried to hold on
to. after unsuccesfully trying to find my way back to that
simple moment were i was able to forgive, i found myself
where i knew i was no longer in a safe haven and all the
the uncertainties crawled back into my body digging
its claws into the center of my soul and i discovered
that from you i would take anything at all.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

There is no I in us



In a world of colors and chaos, you make me see black and white around you. it eases my soul to have finally found you.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Somewhere in outter space


Sometimes we have to let somethings go,
i just never thought it would be this
hard to be away from you. i miss the
comfort of sharing my stories.
im lacking the company of a friend.
today i find myself reminiscing about
the situations that we faced together,
just knowing you where around gave me
the strength to get up, but now i wake
up to solitude.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

I was blind before i met you



And when i was blind you showed me the way, when i was deaf you listened for me, and when i couldnt speak you expressed my feelings through your lips.

*stuck on you till the end of time*

Let me wish



Looking at the fading night, waiting for the sunrise
im captivated by a star that seems compelled by my
expression. She falls from the sky and lands among
the mountains and all i see is an explosion of light
surrounding me. i close my eyes feeling peace overcoming
my body and then it spoke in tongues. The tears of joy
fell from my eyes and i understood. there i knew heaven
existed.

Paramore

"Oh star fall down on me. let me make a wish upon you, hold on let me think, think of what im wishing for."

Monday, September 25, 2006

Until tomorrow

If only i was brave enough to tell you how
hard it was for me.
----

somewhere along these roads filled with lies
i lost myself in the quest to warp into reality
from this nightmare im living in.

----

The love you give me has shown me that even in
darkness there is still hope. I love you like
ive never known was possible.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Labios Divididos

he moves between the doors of the past
looking for one to become the present.
how can you seek shelter over houses
that already have been broken down.
where the storms seem to continously
pass through those he always thought
were left behind. in every empty house
he claims his heart beats for only
that. he denies to himself that he
only seeks to fill the loneliness
that seems to eat out his heart. and
all i see in him is desperation.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

staring at the future

wishing upon the stars in the sky
i had but one desire that's found
its way to me in the form of you.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Ardous trouble

i know she'll cry tonight, she has that look in her eyes
she dreams of nights that she could call her own. The stars
reflect on her tears whispering words of hope she no longer
hears. particles fall from high above that feel cold on her
naked shoulders. She shudders as her tears seem to freeze
and break as they fall. the trees around her move in a steady
rythm as if attempting to comfort her lonely situation. Today
she lost her will to feel hopefulness along a road of deceit.
Slowly the wind is freezing her heart that by now has stopped
beating. Her face hardens into a wrinkle expression of dispair.
she'll still cry tonight.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Emerald city

here in seattle beautiful city, beautiful stores.... happy.

there is something in his eyes that makes me lose myself in them. its the way he looks into my eyes trying to uncover all the secrets and in an instance looking into my eyes he crawled all the way to my heart and knocked on the door.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Run away

you are right, im talking to no one when i write and yet its for everyone. except when i write about heaven its about someone that as the years go by though it should be easier it gets harder, i miss him. pues claro que tengo curiosidad de saber kien es, quien no lo estaria :P but im learning to be patient.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

This is the start of a really sad story

i sat in the edge of an amphitheater today
it reminded me of your face and the promises
that never came.
i sat in a corner alone today and i cried,
the tears fell for the times we will never
spend and the ones that went away.
i walked out of the amphitheater today but
that didnt make the memories go away, and
it didnt stop the rain.
i sat at the edge of a rocky bench today,
it reminded me that im a fool, foolish enough
to have thought that unconditional love meant
forever.
i sat in the corner alone today and hid my head
in my hands trying in vain to shake all these
silent thoughts away.

-----0----------0---------------0------------0----

playlist of choice: losing the rainbow

song of choice: Radio in heaven- plain white t's

quote of the moment: "do they have radios in heaven i hope they do cause they are playing my song on the radio and im singing it to you and if they dont have radios in heaven here is what ill do, ill bring my guitar when the time is up and ill play it for you"

-------0------------0----------------0-------------0----

and in the middle of a sunny day a rainbow appeared, i thought
it was a call from you and as the glitter of the sunlight
danced around my eyes i through myself on the white sand and
dreamnt of you. i wonder if that rainbow was a call from
heaven and it was meant for me, i hope even there you think
of me cause i cant seem to forget your face. i sing out songs
to you, im praying you can hear them, and if not then i write
down selfless words to say you were a dream come true. please
send down another rainbow so i could feel you close. you left
before i had a chance to tell you how much you helped me grow,
you left before i got the chance to say thank you for believing
in me (you should know i always believed in you). could you send
down another sign just to let me know you are alright and tell
me is it all you imagined it would be? i miss you sunshine.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

we are bound by symetry

"If i had to choose between you or the world
i hope you are aware that i'd choose you."

wrapped around a string, i keep this key tied
onto my wrist. i protect it from evil eyes and
the time that passes by. many times she left her
key unsafe. they fell into the wrong hands who
vandalized the home and let it open to burglars.
today inside the green string lays the key leading
to her heart. she gives out a map to see who can
find the home and worthy enough to hold the key.

----0-------0-----------0-----------0----------0-----0-------


Playlist of choice: NONE

Song of choice: The freshman

Quote: "i wont be held responsable she fell inlove in the first place"

---------0-----------0------------0----------0---------0-----

if i had to choose between the world or you, you can be sure
id never say no to you.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

diagnosis

well, i can tell you from what i hear as a professional you have to be more willing to take chances cause you never know what is in store for you unless you reach out. muchas veces las personas dejan de hacer cosas por ese lema(or whatever, my spanish sucks) de "lo que pasara, pasara or whatver" y se quedan sentados esperando que la vida le ponga todo en una bandeja.

it seems to me this girl has you pretty impressed, and maybe you have her impressed too (specially that song, i thought no one listen to that music but her). maybe you should take a chance!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

falta tanto y tan poco

i know she'll cry tonight she has that look in her eyes
she dreams of nights that she could call her own....
to be continued... promise... tonight... sleep...

"I'll show you.... i could be the one.... everything you need tonight"

Our story has just begun

there is something in his eyes that tells me
what i need to know. he has this way of being
that seems too perfect to be true. he tries to
hide behind his quietness but his eyes speak
out to me and i listen.

i asked my mother if she felt a connection with
my dad when they met, she said no that only happens
in movies. well then, i think im living my own
drama because i felt something that moment and ever
since i only want to see him smile.

the narcissism in my body starts to wear off where
i manage to statisfy my egocentrism with his
happiness, i live bycariously through the way that
he seems that day. i could be your friend, i could
be the next best thing or i could be none of the
above, but as long as you smile day after day
its enough for me.

"me gustas, no se porque"

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Not today

and if i put a balance i know id rather be with you.

i sat looking at the stars today wondering why i seek
their advice in vain. i counted the lights in the sky and
realized i have wished to everyone of them. i wished
selflessly, with selfishness and with hope getting cero
results. i hate to bellieve that we;ve lost the magic.
i asked the moon why its hidden away today and the
clouds move much faster than before, i thought it was
an angel. i was wrong.



i assked my mom if she knew when she met my dad if it was an instanct connection she said no it only happens in the movies..... then perhaps im wrong. write more about it all tomorrow

Sunday, July 30, 2006

same ol' wall

its that i feel like im hitting myself
over and over with the same wall. everytime
i think it'll be the last time or ive
numbed myself from the pain again i stumble
with the same green painted wall. im searching
for a way to work on modifying a disfunctional
conduct.

-----------0-------------0-----------------0-----

self reminder: Hold it hold it.... you need a vacation, Virginia Woolfe once said that her head was a machinery always buzzing and in motion... so is mine,
well this machine is overheating.... windy city, i think im seeing you sooner

a confession

i know you'll never be able to read this but i want you to know ive always loved you and i dont think that could ever possibly change. you made me the person i am today, you help me mold myself. i know ive made mistakes with you but i want you to know im sorry if i could do it all over again i would. i would show you that you are the best thing in the world, that love like the one you give could never sum up to any other love ive ever received all together... you made me whole, and i was sad so i could never appreciate the things you did for me. they told me once to just make pretend that im with you and in my dreams sometimes i am and i wake up with a smile. no one will ever compare to you, you are an angel the one true miracle i could witness.

i hope one day you will be able to forgive me. i hope the next person who comes along will be half as good as you. i was so certain of your love i took it for vain, next time ill appreciate it more. i know in another lifetime we will reconcile, i have faith that god will allow me the chance to rediem myself and prove to you that i am worth loving just as much as i have loved you.

there is a song called apology by BMC its for you it says "im shattered and broken beyond repair im jaded so sick of being here, ive fucked up one to many times, this time i fucked my one life".... my life has not been the same without you and there is nothing left for me to do but go just like the song goes.

i used to dream of the day that you would forgive me or make the attempt to try again, i know it wont happen now but the last thing one loses is hope.

you have this ability to light up a room, i used to love that. it saddens me that i dont see that in you anymore. you are turning out to be so much better than i ever thought you would.im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Sweetest downfall? Again

i wrote a letter today, i sent it out to heaven
and i didnt demand gifts or power. i simply
asked a question.

i got a letter today, it said returned adress.
apparently there arent any shipping couriers to
heaven.


-------0-----------0------------0---------------0

Playlist of choice: Looking for love

Song of choice: Inda- Ken Oak Band

Quote of choice: the laughter slowly takes over, confidence i'll never know. the universe is full of reflections but you have eyes that could see in another dimension all the things that i tried to hide, all my thoughts are just useful thinking you found time to think of me. guess its true what they say in this lifetime YOU JUST MIGHT FIND THE THING THAT YOU NEED.

Thought of the moment: "I would have loved it to be longer"

Thursday, July 27, 2006

una historia

aveces durante la semana en una plazita en la GMR puedes encontrar una chica sentada con un grupo casi siempre muy aburridos hablando muchas porquerias. muy probable que ayer, siendo miercoles y esa chica no tiene clase los miercoles siempre se sienta ahi hablar, a chismear y a reirse. los jueves suele pasar lo mismo, pero hoy decidio retirarse temprano ya que tenia mucha hambre y su mami se fue a constanza y le dejo dicho: buscatela para comer.... bueno a ella no le gusta comer sola, asi que fue a clases (bueno la barajo para jugar poker chino) y fue a casa a comer cheese sticks, su favorito.
pero si quizas viste la misma chica ayer que hubiese visto hoy si fuera hace una semana. y si fuera fin de semana, probablemente la vieras bailando en las discos de su preferencia (praia, blanc). pero casi siempre.... esta "estudiando" psicologia.
si la felicidad es todo eso que me describiste pues wow estoy un poco mas cerca de ella aunque me falta lo que mas anoro, amor de pareja. antes tenia una perrita, se llamaba leyla, when she died i cried and said that she was the only one who loved me unconditionally without judgement. maybe i want my love to be like leyla :P.

cada vez que escribes me hace cuestionarme y eso es algo interesante, entonces no te excedes, me ayudas a ver otro punto de vista.

dice una cancion: "all my thoughts are just useful thinking, you found time to think of me guess its true what they say in this lifetime you just might find the thing that you need."

thank you.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

to be myself

i am a happy person, i love to smile and dance and be joyful. but happiness is just a momentary sentiment, at least in my case. cause i do find myself in my bed talking to a computer, talking to my head and trying to ease the hopelessness it feels. i used to imagine life would be different when i grew up and it didnt turn out the way i expected.

its that no one wants to fall inlove, at least not the ones i want. they used to say i was born in a different era, ahead or behind time and maybe i was. maybe its just meant to be this way, change people but be unhappy, every great person was unhappy or something horrible happened to them... that just sounded bitter.

its been coming for a while

so now i let my thoughts consume me
while i stand here staring at this
broken window. because ive indulged
myself in you, but have not felt
any sense of completion, could it
be i never quite had what it took?

i smile as the people pass me by and
yes i always hold my head up high, but
i do feel ive let myself fall for
someone who could never really be mine.
but how can i tell my lips to stop moving,
my eyes to stop looking and my ears to
stop listening to the sweet interrogation
you've left in my heart?

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Pending Thoughts

i seek refuge in your words
you've helped me find myself
when i lost my way. i dont
know if we stand in the same
road of life but i find
comfort in hearing you respond
to my cries. its been so long
since i was able to express
the emptyness my heart feels.
when you know what love is,
its hard to live without it.
i'm broken without it.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

blue august morning

i;m wishing upon a star that i find you
now more than ever, i fear the abscence
of you will cause me to lose hope.

maybe im in denial, i just might not
have quite what it takes to be strong
and just wait.

cause ive been waiting my whole life
and im about to give up. this dream
might be just a dream.

---------0-----------0-------------0------

conv.

me: he ruined my social life, no one wants to go out with me

anon: maybe its just temporary

me: no, seriously.... NO ONE will date me...

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Wishing Well

i really want to go out and find you standing somewhere,
and when i find you, you'd say "ive been waiting too long
for you". because i have been sitting, wishing, and searching
and finding nothing more than dispair and hopelessness.

Friday, July 14, 2006

not completely finished

left standing


playlist of choice
: all the boys i've loved

Song of choice: Only one- Lifehouse

Quote of choice: "she's got a pretty smile covers up the poison that she hides, she walks around in circles in my head waiting for a chance to break me for a chance to take me down"

Thought of the moment: so i came to the realization that im TOO nice, so maybe i need to be a tiny bit like i was before a little evil *evil laughter* har har... so i heard something the other day which really got me a little mad... IM TURNING INTO MY SISTER?! (no offense sarina).... they said i forgot how to flirt, i lost my mojo for getting what i want when i want... oh well... i guess it'll eventually find its way back to me... when i need it...

still i cant get you out of my head, your driving me insaneeeeeeeee.

You can deal with your regrets... ill deal with mine

i want the life i knew i would, but i know ill never be that person whom i dreamnt of when i was a little girl. because i always thought i'd be a princess who would have her prince charming and who never knew what sadness felt like. but as my life evolved into what it is today, i feel ive lost that innocence that made me skip through life instead of walking through it. still i thought i was a princess, so i branded myself, i crowned myself a princess. but then i lost it again... that dream of owning my own crown, my own palace, my own prince... so i thought perhaps i should stop making pretend that i am something im not, stop dreaming. but that came so easily to me, i didnt even need to try. but taking the first step is the hardest, and in my rough moments i have one thing present which always keeps me going.... "god lights my heart".

Friday, July 07, 2006

untitled

no no no ese no es....

The night goes as follows

Playlist of Choice: Spare Me

Song of the Moment: This Broken Heart- Something Corporate

Idea in my head: So im nostalgic is it for something i want, lost or need? Could i have a second of your time so we can have a conversation in my head where i tell you what i feel and you respond in the exact same way... oh this life of a dreamer as though it never ends, till reality kicks you hard on the cold cement of life.

Song Quote: "you never want to concentrate on me, im too much of an angel, im too much of a saint, though i cant be, im too much of a reject you dont expect much from. i want to feel safe, i want to feel like im not hated too, i want to get closer, i want to feel the most id get from you, im too much on the rebound, im too mcuh on the ground though i cant be"

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Cause my heart is in...

the air swifts in a nostalgic rythm
and the world keeps turning even when
im still. i close my eyes and feel as
it all revolves around me with such
intensity i cant control. this broken
heart is too heavy to carry with weights
of chain and uneven beating.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

more than words



could be egocentrism, just trying to tell a story using more than words... all pictures done by me, im learning be patient.

its always nice to know someone is paying attention to what i write and give off more ideas for my head to play with, i dont see it like intrusion, more like a gift. you pay attention to what i write, i pay attention to what you write, it keeps me coming back for more.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

and today was a day like any other... EXCEPT

ive had another epiphany and im getting there to accepting it. so today i went to the lake with sarina, my beautiful sister, ewald, my wonderful ex cunis/my brother cause i love him like he were family, and regal, who's just nuts. we had a wonderful time, but alone in a hammock makes you miss things, people and situations, but today... i throw in the towel. this has been a thinking week (obviously).

yesterday, michi, my other ex cunis/sister made me hear OUR song, its ours cause it relates to both our situations. although im 6 years older than her, through her i notice that when it comes to matters of the heart age doesnt matter. so through uneasy nights and early mornings we reviewed our stories trying to find holes on it, holes that would fill the empty ones in our hearts. but sometimes, there arent holes just uncertainties. but we'll get through it, cause we are strong and even stronger when its the three of us (sarina, michi, and me).

sarina, the mother figure, tells us what we dont want to hear. she portrays the person we want to become, because she seems so distant, so methodical in her thinking its amazing to hear her speak. but they are only pg-13 conversations.

michi, the daughter figure, she lets us remember what it felt like, ive watched her grow for a couple(very few) years now and as she gets older i get to experience things i didnt get to experience at that age and then again remind myself of all the fun, with small things you could have. sleep overs are always eases the soul.

me, the positive one, try to always see a way to make things happy (even though here it doesnt seem that way, but then im just releasing what i feel inside). of course im also the writer, the one who tries to search deeper into everything and help with the uncertainties, to write it all :P.

"oh its what you do to me, oh its what you do to me"

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Making a mistake

pmsing makes me remember all that i dont have.

so im pmsing.... but then... i never write anything happy.... well psychological explanation every artist is neurotic and if they werent they wouldnt be able to
do the things they do, so if im crazy i hope in the end, someone wil recognized that im this way cause i want to connect and i want to create... i want to be art, even if that means i have to be neurotic... i like my weirdness kinda makes me feel special.

goodbye song

pardon me sir, are you the record keeper of my heart?
cause i just want to know when was the last time i
felt love.

pardon me sir, are you the guardian thats keeping me
apart from all that i am suppose to reach past the gate
of love.

i know i shouldnt be asking this and i know i shouldnt
be saying this but i cant seem to find the answers any
place other than this

i just want be loved like the rays love the sun and i
just want to be the shooting star that lands in his heart,
cause i just want love.

nothing is sadder than away

the box wrapped in red i took it down from its shelf
i considered opening what i thought was pandora's box
slowly i pulled the tape that kept it closed. it flew
open and the memories all started invading the room, i
tried shutting it but it was to strong for my control,
i ran and slammed the door behind me, my heart beating
out of my heart.

i went to the beach, were i thought i could think. i let
the water crash into my feet, but slowly the waves retreated
and the sea was calmed and behind my reflection i saw a dark
cloud, and inside the colors seem to be revolving inside it.
it was angry, it was sad, it was veangeful, then it was silenced.

i tried to keep a distance from this cloud, but everytime i looked
back it was there. i got used to the dark cloud, sometimes it was
far away, sometimes it kept closer. it became a part of me.

i turned around one day and stared at it and in the wind the answer
to my question came. it was my past that followed me around, somedays
it became part of my present but it was there to remind me of what
once was and of what now is.

i dont think much of the past, i rather see ahead but the miopia doesnt
let me look far ahead, so i have a cloud and im unable to see to far off.
so i stick to the present. but every now and then i sit and talk to the
past, and sometimes i put on a pair of glasses and see ahead. but they are
both deceiving.

-------------0---------------------0---------------------0---------------0

im scared that i lost you before i had you, and im scared ill never be able
to meet love. i think he;s my lost hope for love, but most of all, i think
im already hopeless.

----------===-----------=======-----------==-----------========---------

Monday, June 26, 2006

boxes of wornout hand me down dreams

and maybe some quotes will help explain it better than i would right now:

"take me in no questions asked you strip away the uglyness that surrounds me, are you an angel, am i already that gone i only hope that i wont dissapoint you"

"you are my sweetest downfall and i loved you first"

"Long before we ever touch long before we knew too much, i wish we were strangers again"

"I think i need a sunrise im tired of the sunsets"

"forget the urgency, but hurry up and wake my heart is starting to seperate"

"and here we go again with all the things we said and not a minute spent to think that we'd regret, so we just take it back, forget the things we swore we meant"


im looking for something, that i lost on a sunny day, sitting at the edge of a broken log. because the log is still there, and the burning memories are still there. but what once was there, is gone now. and when i walk past the logs and sit at the edge of these stairs, i cant forget the tears and the aching sound of my heart breaking, so i try to look away but the feeling its still there. whats not there is what i lost long ago, i cant seem to find it anymore.

so i tried searching deep in the forest past where my eyes could see, then i tried closing my eyes and just feeling, then i tried looking in plain view, ultimately i decided i shouldnt look anymore. because not in the deep, nor in the dark, not even in plain view did i find it. and so i stuck to waiting, cause you always hear, it'll drop from the air when you least expect it. but then time flew faster than i could ever realized it, and nothing but raindrops dropped over my head.

yesterday staring at the stars wishing for a dream to every single one, the sky started to cry and its tears were heavy and fearful, so along with it i cried too, except that this time no tears would fall, and no matter how hard i tried, i wouldnt weep. i imagined the sky cried for me, so i layed there on the hard cold cement, staring at the suffering skies while the stars faded away for a while, along with wishes i had made.

now i know im tired, tired of sitting waiting to find what i had lost, it could be, you only get it once and after that you could just play make pretend. but i was never good at acting so all im left is to sit, ponder and perhaps one day ill be able to weep again. but for now, ive given up on the wait, ive given up on a foolish belief that if you want something so bad and you pray real hard, you wish real hard and when a shooting stars flies by you put all your thoughts on that one desire and it will come true... cause ive yet to see that happen.


"i dont want it to drive THEM crazy, i want it do drive ME crazy"

Sunday, June 25, 2006

existential crisis

hello is anybody out there?
stop playing hide and seek,
i quit this game a long time
ago.

hellooo is anyone out there?
im tired of waiting.

I give up on this

perhaps im just bad luck,
this story has ended before
it began. ive learned that
perhaps there is a possibility
i've given up on love.

i wondered how long would it
take for someone to love me
for me, but then maybe im
just bad luck.

i wrote the perfect love song,
and with tears for fears i tore
it up and burned it along with
my heart.

perhaps ive given up on love.
but it could be that love
gave up on me.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

The rainbow first

i threw rocks at the rainbow to try to make it disappear
i tried closing my eyes and wishing to see only blue skies
but the rainbow stayed there.

i've ran after the rainbow, then i tried walking,
that didnt work so i tried driving out to reach it,
but still i could catch up to it.

thats when i realized how sad it was to see a
rainbow, such beauty that seems unreachable, it
all reminded me of you.

i decided to turn my back on the colors, thinking
if i didnt look at it, then i could imagine it
wasnt there.

but i started missing the colors for now everything
seemed dark, so through the corner of my eyes i looked
towards the rainbow, but i started to cry.

i realized i couldnt led it go and again the colors
seemed to have captivated me, and i lost myself in
you.

the only problem is that though im lost in you, like
the rainbow you keep yourself so far away, still i cant
let you go.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

a dream... a rainbow.. a light..


i saw a rainbow yesterday
i thought it was a sign.
it might have been that you
were calling.

so i raced and tried to
find the end, but the miles
came and went and it seemed
to reach the sea.

i took a boat and rowed till
i felt the sun overcome me,
and still i found no end,
no way to reach you.

i saw a rainbow yesterday
and i thought it was a
sign of love,but perhaps
i might have been wrong.

i cried for hours till i
could no longer see the
colors that painted the sky,
i stopped running, stopped
rowing, and finally i could
see an end.

it may have ended or it might
have begun, i dont know what side
to look for, all i could ever
see is you.

and stranded in a lullaby of
skies and dreams, the rainbow
faded away.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

inexistent love

Cupid,

You have been formally denounced by the homo sapien Sheila Agudelo, for deliberatly shooting your arrows directly at her. the plaintiff accuses you of being a bully. she claims you have shot her various times, under difficult circumstances where she has been left with irreplaceable damages.

we are sancioning you to 48 hours of community services; you are no longer to use your arrow for a minimum of 2 months and you are also not to get near 50 feet of the plaintiff. your case will be formally exposed tomorrow in the supreme court of holiness.

ATT.
Saint Job

----------- ---------------------------- --------------------------- -------------

Dear cupid,

this is your second warning. we have been informed that while on probation you have been taking range courses to shoot your arrow. with this you have used this to shoot arrows at mrs. Sheila Agudelo from long range distances.

your arrows have caused her troubles and pains, also has left her bruises where she can neither sit, breath or enjoy her daily activities. we have decided to take extreme measures with this.

since people have complained about missing your arrows, we have taken measures with the plaintiff, allowing her to wear protective clothing to avoid your arrows hitting her.

att.
supreme judge
--------------- -------------------- ----------- ----------- ------------- ---------

Cupid,

listen, this girl is really getting a grudge on you, the joke aint funny anymore. seriously as a friend im warning you to back the hell up man you gonna get shot! your mother and i have discussed this situation and it aint pretty, she angry man you gonna get grounded.

we also discussed your choice of dressing, its getting old, a grown man in pampers it just makes you loose all style.

your judge

Sunday, June 11, 2006

With the moon in my head

i collect the songs to fill voids,
to be able to hear what my heart is
too afraid to say. the guitar plays
softly in the background as i start
to feel that tingling feeling down
my back. i close my eyes and try to
sing along, feeling the sadness in
my voice thats trying to hide the
hollowness of my soul. and with the
moon in my head i try to make my
own music and perhaps express all
these hidden sentiments. but the
words dont seem to come out and
so i keep being the song collector
and perhaps one day ill be brave
enough to collect my own voice.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

how many stars to reach your heart?

its nice to know someone's listening.... or in this case reading.... ;)


you are eyes are colored like the sky, ever changing with glimpses
of mystery that hides well within them. it bears the yellow of the
sun, the tourquoise colors of the sea and if that well wasnt enough
you add a little bit of brown to soften it all up. i've gotten lost inside them
before, i guess i left myself be tempted by the beautiful colors that
your soul radiated.

i dreamnt with you today and in my dream i had to let you go. i didnt
cry and i didnt try to stop you, i held my head up high and waved a
bitter goodbye. in this dream i tried to avoid dropping you off and
seeing you go. i'd had liked to ask you to come back down and maybe
in the future you could find a way to come back to me.

Monday, June 05, 2006

moonpoet

not the answer i was looking for

i write you just to let you know im alright

im crying because i know this is the way its suppose to be
and maybe i deserve it, im pretty sure i do. ive been trying
to fix this, thinking perhaps if im different things will be
different too... but they never are. so should i give up now
or keep going around in circles over this crowd of broken
dreams, stepping on the broken pieces of my heart. i just want
to run so far, so fast where i am unable to be catched. but
i cant run, i have no breath left, i fear my heart has stopped
beating, its lost so much blood. so tell me what to do and tell
me where to go, cause i just cant see myself moving foward. im
about to give up, im about to let go.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Moonpoet

i never write in spanish cause i think i suck at it.... it makes me happy to see your comments but even more curiosity of who is this?

to be real

belief in the mystic energy that seems to overpower our being
turning us into acrobats in this circus of forgotten thoughts
of happiness. how can i change my mind if i lost it when i met you.
and in the pieces of a calender that we call days, you choose one
to make a gesture. perhaps as reminder why we started this
game in the first place. how can i look towards this if i've
forgotten these feeling exist. and i can taste the sweet embrace
of attitudes mixing seduction with selfless acts of kindness.
is it possible that today in this circus im playing the part of
the buffoon instead of the swan princess. how can i be sure
that this feeling is real and not just another case of mistaken
identity. it surely hides well between all the other emotions
confusing those who already seemed troubled by their helpless
minds. but ive been seduced by the flaring fire that's playing
between the lines of this circus, it might be the act of a magician
who's secrets i dont wish to know

Feeling infused by the confused

how can drive you there
where i dont where to go
but i dont want to let go
feeling empty.

how can i catch a train
that'll lead me the right way
to steal your heart away
and hide it to keep it safe.

tell me what i should do
i dont know what to do,
im thinking all these thoughts
not all of them are good

cause i fear i might get hurt
and i fear i might have to
let go, but im standing here
waiting.

how can i dream of this if
i never fall asleep.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

He who reached so far for a star, he landed among them.

i would have wanted to save you, if only i could have saved myself first.
bitter irrelevant gesture that i make today in consequence of things i cannot
change. you ran through life without hesitating and you ran out of breath, i didnt even catch up to you, till it was too late.

i would have loved to save you, if onlly i had the courage to have said the things i left unsaid. perhaps i could have told you, you were special to me, and i would have stayed out with you till the stars fell asleep.

i would have tried to save you, but i didnt think i could, and if you hadnt left o soon would you still be breathing, thinking, sleeping; and in your sleep would you have thought of me and then perhaps i could have shared a part of this story with you. could we had looked back and thought of how we saved our lives?

i would have promised to save you, if only i had known it make a difference. i still cant forget you, that never crossed my mind. i still you smile, waving from your car that raced too fast down the highway and never stopped for a kiss goodbye.

you're image will always creep into mind. i will always miss you No Regrets, its been four years.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Your palace... My prison

well im not gonna pretend that
im not trying to save you (cause i am)
im hoping for new light
im just waiting for that
call tonight.

you know you were the one
that brought peace enough
to my heart, i wanna save
you, i wanna kiss you...
the dawn is breaking, i
feel you falling.

i want to catch you, i
fear im losing this epic
battle between your heart
and your brain.

break it down for me easily
and tell me you need to let
me go, and your sad to see
me off.

and here we go, onto this
same old game of make pretend,
your sweet doll to keep you warm
at night and in the day, you keep
her locked in, preventing the
recirculation of activities unknown.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

beautifully imperfect

she hides perfectly behind her smile
who's poison crawls into every cell of
his body and knocks him out. she looks
perfectly saint in her white dress and halo
placed impecably over her head.

she tares her dressed apart and looking in
an oblique maner she hangs her walking shoes
over a tree and runs for cover. where could i find
her, my friend, you were never suppose to lead my
way back into ssanity.

and having dound the same stability which i had not yet been so
aware off, i pray to god he hears me when i say i need to din you
help and perhaps a string to dangle your heart away.

Empty chairs

if ever there were someone as sweet as you,
i have yet to meet them. outcasted, denied
your right to surpass yourself. i remembered
when i loved you, i still think of you often,
never forgetting we cant hold any regrets. the
ghosts still follow me around, i still see tribal
markings in the streets. had things gone differently
would i have gotten my chance to tell you, you helped
me change my life, you taught me to be simple, to simply
be me.

if ever there was someone as understanding as you,
i have yet to meet them. crazed and detained you tried
breaking out of chains that werent tied to you in the first
place. tell me where i could go, so i could see your smile one
last time. if i follow you there will i get my chance to dance in
the saloon with you. lost in cleopatra's myst i have tried to become
the pharoan but it just doesnt work the same if you arent here to lead
me in the right directions.

i miss you like the sun misses the moon, like the stars miss the daylight, like raindrops miss the clouds. there can never be anyone like you and anyone to take your place in my heart, had i known this time was so short, id taken advantage of it and perhaps that last kiss made permanent

Saturday, May 27, 2006

The one that got away and stayed away

im so happy to see you smile, to see that life has opened new highways for you to speed on. i hope youve learned to lower your speed when youre on the curves and too stay awake when the road seems to stretch infinitly. its nice to hear youve achieved your dreams, but then ive always thought you would.

id like to tell you im okay too. ive learned to stop when im warned and i try not to race so much. i gave myself a chance to be brave and take the wheel steer and brake. youd be so proud, i havent crashed in some months now, i think im more focused on the path and not so much on the sourroundings.

i repainted the whole carriage and fixed all the small dents. i left on scratch on it to remind me of the trip we took so long ago. im happy to see you smile, you make me proud.

it felt like a real friendship.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Untitled Post

call me cupid, call me love.
the arrow you've caught in
your arm is a spell called
romance.

stupid cupid i broke my tutu
you promised me a dream and
now ive lost a piece.

call on poseidon hes the one to
fear raging your sea and you in
boat without steer.

call on hades, hes at fault
he wants war not happiness
to rule the world.

stupid hades you break the
chains i want a boy thats
fair not rare.

call on aphrodite, she made your
stupid cupid listen while you cast
a spell in the well.

stupid 'dite cant you see my heart's
turned to steel, my soul a molding glove
trying to hold on to whats not real.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Splinter

i see you smile
all the while
where i cant seem
to come back here

now i stand all alone
hoping theres a way to
go

if i could breathe maybe
ill find a way out of this
dark, out off this pain.

i see the splint stuck
inside i pull it out
a hole is left bleeding

i lay the stakes of the
bet you have placed
on my heart

if i could sleep maybe ill
find a way to dream of things
thatll come true someday

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

In the rough

you crept up quietly into my soul and when you reached
my heart you knocked on the door. i look out the window
saw you standing perfectly in all your imperfections and
i was inclined to open the door.

i thought i was dreaming hadnt i already given up on this
endless search for that special someone and
had decided all we do is live in a circus chemical reactions
that ultimatly evaporate after its is processed?

and as i stare at him standing out in the dark cold road that
lead to my heart, the moon suddenly came out of hiding and
illuminated every inch of your body, still considering the
possibility of letting it all go, i ask whats in the box his
holding. a thimble and a sewing kit.

i finally realize i should open the door before he gets exhausted
by the wait and so i do. whats that box for? i ask. he looks at
me with sweetness in his eye and says "i was hoping to help you
sew your heart back together".

im hoping to fix the broken down house next. :P

Friday, May 12, 2006

somehow i still hope

act1. i still hope ill end up with him.

acr3. you have faith in that?

act1. i didnt fight this hard to be with him. maybe i dont deserve to be happy, but im hoping that im wrong.

acr3. so what do you want to tell him?

act1. there are so many things id like to say at a moment like this and not enough words come to mind. i love you and perhaps i've never said that before but i think its what i feel. we were planted one hot summer day and as time passed, they thought that seed had dried out. but to everyone surprise it grew slowly from the ground, but the roots of this bush of roses didnt set deep into ground, but uprooted and became fragile. but still, it continued to grow, every now and then they had to cut off a twig or two that had dried off, but flowers eventually blossomed. then one day it stopped growiing, the main root was broken and the bush was left for dead. they held on to that bush praying that a miracle would happen and again it would blossom and give that small garden a bit of joy and passion.... im waiting to see the end of the story. the point is that like a rose bush we have thorns but we have the beauty of the roses, and even though we grew from the impossible of waterless soil, even apart it continues to move foward. i dont want it to end here, i want to replant the bush and pour water on it and protect the roots from coming above the ground.

i want to hold you, love you, protect you, help you, lead you and do the impossible to make you happy. cause you may do nothing and everything and still you make me happy.

acr3. thats beatiful

act1. i never knew i could love with so much passion, i still cant quite believe it.

acr3. and if it doesnt work?

act1. then i can say i tried, im gonna miss you, you were my sweetest downfall and i will always have a place for you in my heart love.


you are my jupiter and i may be one of your many moons, but i want to shine brighter and prouder than any other moons, and eventually push them all away and gain one of your rings.

Friday, May 05, 2006

While you were gone

While you were gone, i lost myself in endless thoughts.
I kissed my pillow, hoping it felt like your lips.(it didnt).

while you were gone, i pretended a teddy bear was you
and i hugged it till i fell asleep. i got drunk and
spoke of the one who got away (im guessing thats you).

while you were gone, i started the gym and tried to
get into shape. i reflected on our relationship
and realized this love is one way (not always my way)

While you were gone, i found out that i missed hearing
your voice at night. i lost my apetite when i found
no one to share my breadsticks with (perhaps i bought too
many)

while you were gone, i pretended you werent good enough
for me, but ignored all the boys that were. i accidentally
called your cel in an attempt to hear your voice (maybe
it wasnt all an accident)

while you were gone, i could say i miss you, but while
you were gone i realized i loved you.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

TU

por alguna razon tu has entrado a mi corazon.... por alguna razon dios te puso en mi camino.... me alegra haberte encontrado, aunque talvez ya te haya perdido.... sera que nunca fuiste mio? tu has sido mi caida mas dulce, siento tantas cosas por ti muchas de la que no puedo explicar.... TE ADORO!

Monday, May 01, 2006

someone else's day

and i dont even know who i am anymore
perhaps im just a ghost; walking around
the lonely streets seeing everyone but
no one sees me. so i try to yell and take
of this white mask, but no one seems to
notice, and i know they just dont care.
so im here trying to be someone else,
always changing, always moving, and in
the time thats past, ive forgotten who
i was in the start. im living someone
else's life, breathing someone else's
air and stealing someone else's hopes.

he took the mask off me, i am no longer
a ghost. i tried to sew my heart back
together with his words, i tried tying
a string to his hip and mine. the string
broke, i think im cursed, and ive opened
the pandora's box of feelings that wouldve
been better left closed. no longer can i
try living someone else's life, i come undone
when im left alone in the dark, i keep a light
on to be safe from the solitude and emptiness
that comes with this cold, old room.

i tried understanding love, even understanding
life, so i opened a book of wisdom and tried
to find words to calm an old spirit down, and
found that nowhere in this book has it ever
spoken of this. am i the only one, the only
one searching for some meaning, who tried to fill
my world with understandings of inexplicable
things. but they cant be explain for a reason
so im in an existencial crisis, a moment
that hasnt passed and though the years may
pass off as days, this crisis has turned into
torment, for i see no end.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

pointless story

i wish i had chosen a different life, and perhaps i'd have a different answer to the questions i seem to ask myself daily. i might believe its all just tears and pain but to someone else could it just be sunflowers and open fences. because all my fences seem to have closed and i am locked, like an animal, inside this ackward looking palace.

some might say that i have everything i could desire and have no need to shed silent tears. but has anyone ever wondered that perhaps i dont desire material things and of all i have, i wish mostly for sentiments i have yet to experience. this short life that i have lead seems filled with voids and unanswered questions, i might be having an existencial crisis, all because of you.

could i erase my history and start on a clean slate and that way perhaps in the end i'd still be holding his hand. cause in the end, thats all there is, thats all you can feel, the lose of something that you value as though it were a part of your soul, and perhaps; maybe in a certain degree it was.

should i just keep believing im a disapointment and sometimes i wonder what would have happened if my heart hadnt gotten addicted to you, but then perhaps its addicted to your rejections. i want to believe that you are the one that got away and after you there's only been one, one that has touched the deepest parts of my emotions, but unlike you he leaves me stranded on a deserted island and in his boat he circles the grounds on which i stand watching me wave my hands in a pointless attempt to call his attention, but as he watches from the distance, he looks in dismay knowing he'll never really reach the island.

i have seen alot for the age i have but perhaps thats all been in vain. if i hadnt seen everything from such an amazing view and instead blinded my sight from seeing so much in such short time, i wonder, i wonder if that made it all it is today. because perhaps had i closed my eyes and not been seduced by the illusive lights that captivated images disguised in beauty, my life would have meant so much more.

and still i believe... everything would have been different.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Stop... Jump

stranded in the outskirts of a forgotten desert
the miles seem to pass endlessly, affecting the
view of reality. a drenching thirst starts to
overtake every part of the body, in the oasis
the small pond isnt enough to satisface this
overwhelming need.
to be continued....

Sunday, April 23, 2006

I miss you this much

i miss you mostly at nights. when i come home and dont find you there to welcome me back. i miss you mostly at bed times when i have no one to hug and take care of. i miss you mostly in the morning, when i wake and find an empty pillow. i miss you mostly at noon, when i rub your head or play games with you. i miss you mostly at dawn, when you get scared of the sound of the engine and try to hide behind my legs. i miss you mostly every second of the day.

god i miss you leyla marie

------------------------0----------0------------0
you make it too hard to love you,
you make it difficult to get close to you,
you make it too harsh to try to say
nice things.

i could try and wait but that might
just take too long.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Its hard to say goodbye




RIP my leyla....

as tears welled up in my eyes i wonder how empty life would mean without you. you who have been my companion and true friend, the one who was never suppose to leave me. i loved you since the moment i held you in my hands and felt your heart pounding with fear of the unknown. i hope that your stay in this world was filled with happiness and peace, the same that you had brought on to me. oh how i miss you, the way you layed next to me as i slept, when you tried to wipe away my tears when i was sad.(in your own way of course)... the moments you sat next to me as i left deep into thought, you never left my side, you were my best friend. what will i do when i dont have to tell you to get out of the car or have to share my food and kisses with you. id never thought id lose you, i didnt even wanted to try. i thought perhaps youd grow old with me or never pass away. now ive brought a friend along perhaps hoping your soul is in hers, i named her moon hoping if i name her like something thats up in the sky that'll mean you are close by. i never meant to give you up, if i couldve stopped it from happening i wouldve... i miss you sweetie...

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Is there anyone out there?

is anybody out there?
can you come over and tuck me in, you see im feeling like there is a hole in my soul through which every emotion drains away into an abyss that i have yet to reach the bottom.

can anyone hear me?
cause i have been screaming so loud that ive lost my voice, so in a fragile whisper i try to call out to someone who has yet to come and save me from this solitude.

Can anyone drive me?
can you give me a lift up to a place where i can find a key that ive lost, it leads to my heart and without it its open to thiefs that might try to take what little is left inside.

Can anyone see me?
cause ive been wearing this mask so long that i doubt anyone has seen the real me and im about to forget who i was in the first place;

can anyone find me?

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

You are all staind

and after that first kiss, a consequence is releaved.
you, me and solitude, my friend.

Maybe baby


my best friends.... how i love them.... they drive me nuts.... sometimes i want to shoot them.... sometimes just strangle them..... but somehow..... we always end up back were we started... together...

so this was a fun day.... we went to El Botanico with all our dogs... yes all 5 of them... (leyla marie h. agudelo, my cocker spaniel... sucky yaki agudelo, the yorkie.... einstein agudelo, chihuahua.... donato contreras, yorkie (most annoying one too) and minnie bello (weeee misss you minnniieeee come backkkkk)

---------------------------0-----------------------0----------------------

could i go back to a place in time where innocence ran through her vains and the naive nature of a child was at play? could i ever go back to where we once were, were the imagination ran free and we became so much more than just complicated?

could i go back to a place in time when you were next to me pretending to be asleep and as i kissed your forehead i could imagine nothing else but us forever. but the novel of our love has been burned along with other stories whose only copies whisked away into ashes.

could i go back to a place in time where everything goes on in rewind, to have the ability to relive our love all over againl. if only you could see how the light seems to have died out without you.

could i go back to a place in time, could i go back, and perhaps never come back....

i miss you.

----------------0-----------------0----------------0--------

Collecting the pieces

and when he walked away everything changed,
could she have done something different and
perhaps forced him to stay. are their words
for wounds that arent yet forgiven?

she dires her tears and lays in the ground
searching for a star that might give her
the answer to this irrefutable question.

he sits in his car and wonders if shell
be able to accept his apologies and maybe
if shed just think it through she'll see
his a different man.

to be cont.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

troubled eyes

how i wish i could understand the years
and perhaps find the answers that seem
to have hidden so far down my soul.
it slowly extinguishes the light that
burns inside, the cold overtakes the
sadness, i dont know wish is worse.

if all pain were the same would it be
any different? could i exchange this
wrenching breaking of my heart for
physical pain? because the emotions
ache some much harder.

------------0----------------------0---------------------0----------------0

little girl hiding inside the body of a woman, like a cameleon trying to blend in with the habitat looking for survival. but how can she survive, sometimes she is pushed so far down, her innocence seems to evaporate before her eyes. her tears that by now have dried, keep her eyes from seeing what lies in front. thus her vision seems confusing, she imagines beautiful things but as she gets closer she sees only darkness. stuck between rebellion and commitment she is pulled by each side, ripping away any self concious decision she can make. little girl, little girl who cant grow up, but cant stay young

I cant take my eyes off of you

que vida la mia, escribirte a ti, un ser inexistente. siempre buscando y nunca encontrando respuestas. que vida la mia, tender a mis emociones sin recibir ninguna recompensa. que vida la mia, que vida.

y sin poder olvidar como se sintio aquella vez donde crei haberte encontrado. talvez me merezco lo peor, por tratar siempre de dar lo mejor. no comprendo, la vida mia, anhelar lo que nunca e sentido.

puede haberte querido, si solo me hubieras dejado. y aqui me quedo entre lazos de enganos y misterios viviendo en un futuro y huyendole al pasado. mi alma frustrada trata de descansar entre tanto ruido.

que vida la mia, sonar para sentir, sentir para reconocer, luz de mi ser cuyo nombre todavia no se cual es, ayudame a encontrar una razon para seguir creyendo. que vida, que vida la mia.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Never Underestimate my Jesus

"But he knows the way that i take; when he has tested me, i will come forth as gold"
job 23:10

"A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult"
proverbs 12:16

"HEAR O LORD, OUR RIGHTEOUS PLEA; LISTEN TO MY CRY. GIVE EAR TO MY PRAYER- IT DOES NOT RISE FROM DECEITFUL LIPS. MAY MY VINDICATION COME FROM YOU; MAY YOUR EYES SEE WHAT IS RIGHT"

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

You begin to wonder....

Playlist of choice: Today I hate you

Song of choice: How to save a life- the fray

Thought of the moment: The wind that blew my heart away.... go ahead and try to catch it.


HOW CAN YOU LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND STILL LIE?

NOT THAT YOURE THE ONE, NOT TO SAY IM RIGHT, NOT TO SAY TODAY, AND NOT TO SAY A THING TONIGHT. SUFFICE IT TO SAY, YOURE LEAVING THINGS UNSAID.

Monday, March 20, 2006

you go right ill go left


i would like to go out into nowhere
and maybe bring you along.
we could build new lives where no one
knows our names. you can help me
change my hair so no one would recognize
me.

i would like to spend some time out in
nowhere if only you'd tag along. id bring
only books and a blanket. i would like to
spend some time in nowhere where the waves
crash at my feet as i lay under the midnight
sky, but only if you'd be there with me.

how can you not want a night like this,
a night to fall in love in?
would you wanna fall inlove with me?
i can try and sing you to sleep of only
youd whisper words of commitment, under a
night like this.

id like to dissapear out here in nowhere,
but only if youd come along.

they may be a million, but theres only some special ones

so we have this discussion of whos my best friends .. cause you all say i have like a million of them... but i never could explain the reason why i love you.

1.Francisco:
i love you cause you tell me to call you everytime i get home, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU and i have fun around you. because you take care of me and my car, im sorry but i feel thats important too. because we do everyhing together and i love having someone who i can depend on and i hope you know you can depend on me... whats mine is yours and whats yours... well it obviously has to be mine.you make me laugh

guillermo y yo
2.Guillermo
yo te quiero porque estas completamente loco y atascado en los 80's! you always like someone and im always there to give you advice on them and i love that. cause i can tell you everything (but youll tell the rest... so... why in the world do i tell you things) pk YO TE QUIERO y tu me da risa... y no se... tu ta crazy como yo

3.Rimsky (rims,prinsky)
because everytime i go to the uni the first thing i asked when i got there was where is my worse half... you... but that was before you got a girlfriend and got all weird on us... so.... youve gone down a few ranks... i hope you know that!!!!! but still you always know when im sad or when im gonna get sad. because we do mean things to other people (THEY DESERVED IT!)... nobody messes with my boys.


4.Frank

pk tu ta ma loco que yo y eres mi psicologo personal... plus its nice to have someone to discuss what my psych. told me and what your psych. told you and why doesnt mine do that. cause you help me with classes... cause you and i have.... you know.... we are just insane... i love that

5.Armando
diantreee entrate.... e k this love has grown into a beautiful flower baby... plus you brought along my new partner in crime, natalia...jiji... mua mua mua.

now the girls


1. STACEEEEE
my friend, we fight, we forgive... you know whats nice of finally being able to grow up how easily we get over things... i love it when you sleep over and when we talk about EVERYTHING. its like we never have ackward moments because we always have something to tell each other... cause we grew up together, cause i dont know your my sister from another mother!

2.laura

tu ta loca... y te encanta un chisme.... tu me pegas tus vainas y siempre alguien con kien ir a party party y todo el mundo tiene una percepcion equivocada de ti, pero mejor asi pa que nadie te me robe!pk aunque tu harta (siempre mirandote en el espejo, dejame esperando como 10 horas y siempre ya toy bajando cuando te busco, quejandote por todo) me encanta ta contigo... mi companera en maldad!

3.Sarina

dude... i cant believe my sister is my best friend that is soooooooo sad!i mean its just pathetic, but i wouldnt have it any other way. even if pms does make us get all on top of each other, you know i tell you everything EVERYTHING and i hope you do the same. DUDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


1.MI FRANCHY LIN!!!!
eso e lo k yo ma kiero en ete mundoooooooo, tu sabe k yo siempre te voy a kere mucho mucho mucho mucho mucho tu ere cuenta aparte!
dandole un besito a mi linky

understanding the understood.

anon: what are you doing?

shei: thinking.

anon: thinking about what skirt to wear with us tonite?

shei: im thinking of how i should feel

anon: easy... feel fine!

shei: i feel fine... but you know what i miss most of having a boyfriend, having someone call just to say hi, i care about you, bye. the simple things you know.

anon: ok lets go out, im wearing my lucky jeans!

shei: im refuse to go out

anon: youre leaving me and my lucky jeans hanging?!

shei: unfortunatly... yes! men suck

anon: dont put us all in your little mess

shei: i suck, im so stupid stupid stupid.

anon: your stupid if you get like that plus YOU ARENT STUPID, YOUR NOT STUPID WHEN:

*you put your little skirt and go dancing with us!

*when we play pictionary and get drunk

shei:(cutting in) no im not... im still stupid.. that moment i was dumb and drunk.

anon: correction... you were HILARIOUS! i mean you broke a cup, a figurine and almost broke the whole table. let me continue... your not stupid when:

*you give really bad directions but stand on the street looking at some white bus waiting for us.

*when you hugs and kiss your friends just cuz

*when you draw your fucked up horse in pictionary

shei: heyyyyy it was with the left hand! please continue

anon: you drew it the same way with your right hand... face it you cant draw for shit.

shei: true

anon: continuing you dont suck when:

*you go out of your way to pick up your friends just cause you want them to play board games.

*you give everyone the chance to be completely comfortable around you

*you dont expect much from your friends except love and commitment... to the board games!

*when you break tables in doubles

(interruption) it was an accident

*when you make i hate you today playlists, but you know theres only love in that heart of yours.


shei: love to kick (beeep) ass

anon: righttt, youre incapable of violence.

shei: i bit you didnt i!?!

anon: true... i still got the scar

shei: whatever you started it.... you bit me first

anon: what are we 5

shei: CLOSE, but no we are actually 12!

anon: so what do your pjs look like.. i bet their boxers and a white tank top

shei: actually no, im wearing a shirt that says: girl on mission. 1. to find funny, sensitive guy. 2. to find funny, sensitive guy with a job. 3. to find funny, sensitive guy with a job and WITHOUT a girlfriend.. good luck! and pants with little hearts with wings in it.

anon: 2 late for that!

shei: yeah... noted!

ps. i didnt mean to hurt you

me: life is like a rollercoaster baby

anon: oh why is that.

me: cause it has its ups and down, but its a fun ride.

anon: so how have you been feeling?

me: like ive been running forever and cant find a place to rest, so im gasping for air, but i dont know how much longer i can hold on.

anon: ok so i asked how you were feeling, i didnt expect a metaphor

me: hehe you know me, always buzzing. but so far so good. i try my best to be a selfless human being. i always try to give the best of myself.

anon: dude you always say that, we know you're good thats great! you have to understand that perhaps you give people too much credit, you expect them to behave the same way you do and it doesnt work that way.

me: the world is a vampire?

anon: oh good... have you been listening to your today i hate you playlist again.

me:(blushing) no... yes... maybe... i got a new song.

anon: you have to stop torturing yourself, you can try to save the world but you cant always succeed at saving everyone.

me: cant i just save some...

anon: the ones you wanna safe are hopeless

me:(singing...out of key) should i be feeling guilty or let the judges frown... it may be over but it wont stop there i am here for you if youd only care... my heart was blinded by you.... ive been addicted to you... goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend you had been the one for me.

anon: thats so saddddd...

me: blame anon2 he gave me the song, i cried for like 3 hours.... then i got over it.

anon: that fast huh?

me: what... i cant spend eternity feeling guilty for letting go of something i love and loved me just because its just impossible to make it work... or should i?

anon: no you shouldnt...

me: and yet they hurt me, as though testing me to see if im made out of rock.

anon: ignore it.

me: (singing..on key this time) and im over this childish need for attention im over your constant threats of rejection, im over those eyes critizicing my every move... you were my disease but im finally free of your septic affection which has spread to my wounds but theyve already healed.

anon: dude...bye

me: dont go!!

anon: bye!

A new door, a new opportunity

“I lost a friend along this bitterness”

If only I could walk through time,
Would I make different choices?
Having seen where my decisions have
All guided me, would I do anything
Differently?

Would I sacrifice my soul to change my past?
And If I altered my life to free myself from
An emotion that’s eating through my soul,
Surrendering the knowledge I’ve gain through
Heartaches and pain, will that help at all?

Why can’t I just march into the future and see
What mysteries hide in there? And if I view
A life of painful experiences and stumbling
Stones, will I still have the courage to keep
On going already knowing the hardships that
Lie ahead or will I turn back an create a life
Where everything seems to be in black and
white?

And in the middle of the road, my present
Journey, I’ve been asking myself where did
I go wrong? Do I have the courage to leave
The past behind and leave the future ahead
In its time, live each day like it will never
End, and value the sunrises instead of dreading
The incoming sunset?


“So you think you can tell”

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Bottled up anger



quoting my emotions:

"ive sheltered my fears so they couldnt leave"

"my heart was blinded by you"

Stuck in a cage

Dear Karma,

are you there Karma, its me again.... sheila. Are you out there? Are you listening to me? i got a bone to pick with you karma!! i mean i dont get it, i said i was sorry for all the bad stuff i did and after that ive made it up to you. like:

*ive dutifully learn to accept people as they are and not as i want them to be... most of the time (welllll....sorryyy i cant be perfect!)

*i try to give the best of myself so others will give the best of themselves (ive figured this doesnt always work but its worth a try)

*im nice and polite even to people i dont like.

*i avoid breaking peoples heart so mine wont be broken (not always get positive results)

ok so those are some of the nicer qualities of mine. im asking for another favor... i know i know im no one to be asking for favors, but a friend in need is a friend indeed or whichever and i need some help. you know my mom always told me i have this mission and people who have missions have to suffer a little to be strong and again bla bla bla. but im getting a little tired thus i suggest you give your mission to someone else, i dont want it.

ok ok... i want it.... but i need to see some positive results here. at least one give me that. pah leezeeee. oh and i have a question dudette, why in the world where man invented to be such sleeze? i mean i understand we have to be the one's to rock this boat of life, but do we need such a burden?!

well im gonna say goodbye now... noooo wait, i have another question.... is it ok if i become a nun just cause i dont want to be a lesbo but want no contact with men? or should i just stick to being a prune? i think id be a good nun.... but i want babies... i dont know...helppppp

always your dearrr admirer
shei shei.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Drowning in a cup of wine

what has love turn to? the suffocating feeling of soul searching and finding nothing but deception. what will we tell our children, when they wonder how they will feel when they "fall inlove"? do we tell them that falling is exactly that and eventually you'll feel the cold hard truth break your back as you try to land upright? or do we let them imagine that perhaps they will not go through the suffering that we have known through these twenty something years?

what has love turn to? the hopeless sensation of being stuck in a boat under a thunderstorm and finding no safety in this furious sea. has this what it has come to? to underestimate the power of such emotion, minimizing it into just a chemical reaction in this circus of chemical romances? could i then react to some sort of farmaceutical reliever that will help me avoid such a misinterpretation?


-----------0----------0------------0-------------0-------------0--------------0----

standing over the corner table staring out on the abyss
coffee and cigarretes to keep her company wearing only
sundays best. the lonely people often come by this wasteland
of tears. still days after today she will be here staring
into this midnight highway, expecting that one day the sunsets
will stop falling and her days will be brighten by the burning sun
dreaming of days that seem to have no rest, she's looking for love
in all the wrong places, always asking herself where are you going,
if the road is to the north and shes walking south towards adelaide.
and when the party starts at hotel roosevelt, she dances with tears
in her eyes allowing the volcano of emotions to explode in front
of all these strangers that look at her in dismay. and to her apollo
she calls out begging him not to walk away but from afar he waves bye
bye beautiful.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Sunday Blues



everlasting thoughts in the midnight sky

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Between Changing Sunsets and Evening Stars





me at the beach

eyes that never lie, i wonder what mysteries you hide inside, have you seen my soul today? ive hidden it so far down i cant seem to reach it, mind if you try? and in the different in our aspects, looking in our eyes you can find the same emotions, the same complexion, the same perdition that we had, we've had to grow perhaps too many long years ahead of our age, but as our minds grow, so does our hearts, so does are friendship. (ME AND STACEY AT THE BEACH)

armando and me. explaining that at 17 and at 21 i still have the same body, its just... well..... that picture is sexy.... and in a sweater like i am now.... is not sexy.... the flu (which i have) is not sexy and being a little insy drunk is not sexy..... (ive decided to not drink anymore.... btw)..... and my hair.... though beautiful.... looks much better long (its growing again....)

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Building blocks

i have these friends i wouldnt trade for the world, everyone makes my life shine a little brighter. under the stars we play pictionary, charades, we speak, we eat, we make a history where in everyone one of our stories at least one of us is present.

how come ive found you all now? is it because i needed to lose so many to appreciate so few? but i rather have so little of you and know each one like the back of my hand than have a thousand friends and not know anyone one.

honestly.... i have a poem.... but right now im just glad, ive found these 5 or 6 or how many they are today human beings that guide my hearts... and ive made a new female frienddd (i really hard for me) and shes is my new partner in crime... or she will be....

Run away hearts

the music plays under the moonlight sky, empty roads enhance until they are no longer visible. the vision of you seems to be fading. speed limits seem to be unforgiving. fresh tears fall from the midnight sky, wiped away by the hands in front of the windows. darkened road lit up by the fog lights that seem to guide the way into nowhere. miles and miles pass across the countryside, like the days seem to drift into night, until sunrise is no longer an option. is there a hotel up in the highway in the streets of indifference. will there be a room to spare for a tired heart looking for a place to rest? lonely people seem to take up companionship in this wasteland of emotions. masking themselves playing a game of charades. everyone is searching, everyone finding nothing, looking for the invisible, hoping this time destiny will be at their side. fate has taken a vacation, a room up in saint Tropez while a mass of empty souls walk the earth as if they were fooled by their sad hearts. hear it now, hear it dear, the summer is fading, snow takes its place instead, they are no long here.

writing nonstop

playing out the game
i broke into the trade
expecting to find a solution
for the mysteries in this,

i thought id feel something
if only you were there
but though the roads have changes
i can only say your the one that
i wanted here to stay.

i guess i could just make pretend
that feelings had nothing to do
with the lies that you told me
in the first place, i can only
wait for you to realize your the
only one losing here.

i can only caress the idea that life
will eventually reward me for
this good behavior of trying to find
something that ive lost along with
my innocence.

can i help but believe that you will
never stay here with me, if only i
could pretend that when i open my
eyes youll be next to me, but dreaming
is just a thought playing around with
our emotions.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

so i'll give up on this, ill give up on you?

i didnt wanna lose you,
i didnt mean to try.


at the depth of our forgotten history
i try to understand if somehow i could
have made different choices.
the moon smiled and the stars
rejoiced when they saw us together,
today, the resting sun seems to be invaded
with insecurities from our parting.
restlessly i seek advice from
the sea, that with the rising tide has grown
weary of our quarrels.
i try to remember our first words imagining
perhaps i could convince myself that we are
still moving along with the wind.
how was love suppose to know, that we
would have washed away with the rain.
i found my piece of grain when i
met you and its hard for me to believe that
i was pulled apart from you by a storm
of sand.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

So contagious

red passionate flower of which ive tried to care of
oh dont wither away with desire, stay just for a
while.

-------0-------------0-----------0----------0--------0----

you can tell ive been moving in circles
running right behind you, i'm getting
nauseus of all this chasing. it could be
im crazy for believing that you are
everything ive wanted.

----------0----------------0-------------0------------0-----

it may be that the stories all keep changing and ive become part of every single one.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Stay....

i could take a train out to nowhere
you could come along if only for a while
we would sit side by side, listening only
to the sound of our hearts beating.

and when we get of the train and start
heading down the road, we'll hide behind
the tall oak trees and build a refuge
using our bare hands and the love we
hold inside to keep us warm at night

i'd protect you from your darkest fear
and i'll watch you sleep as you lay
next to me, providing my own is knowing
that your safe here with me

i could take a train out to nowhere
if only i knew you'd come along.

Friday, February 03, 2006

illusive ideas

i sat at the beach staring
at the radiating light that
you aura seems to embrace.
you lay next to me and hold
on to my hand, all the
unhappiness seems to
erradicate itself for
a while.
you pull me up and wrap
your arm around my waist.
at that instance the music
stops and the waves calm down,
its only us walking under the
stars.
the wind whispers to the world
our feelings that are unspoken.
i am in need of this protection
that you seem to be providing.
your fingers and mine interwine
as we walk down the crowded
streets.

-------------------0-----------------0----------------------0-------------0-------

soft gentle touch that rests upon my lips,
i taste a sweet embrace of passionate
desires.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

To Those Who Deserve It

Walking down the crooked path i stumble
on a stone and break my arm, i start
to cry but am taken aback by an image
of pure bliss, wearing a long pink dress
that seems to flow with the wind and
as she kneels down to hold me, her wings seem
to cover me as though she is protecting me
from an unknown dark power. i stand and she
disappears and again i am left alone to fend
for myself in this dreadful forest. i try
to run past the wind that smells of torture,
only to find myself in front of a bridge whos
only protection is a stick upon which the old
rope who's strings look like hairs sticking out
of dreadlokes is wrapped around. i gain the courage
to start going over but an acid rain starts
to come down, it tingles and makes the bridge swing
sideways. i try to run but its pointless it is too
far along and i have no strength. i see him coming from
the sky a warrior with shiny colors that seem
to radiate with him, he grabs my hand and we
arrive safely on the other side. knowing i have
a long way to go i ask if he would accompany me
for a while, i dont want to be alone in this
foresaken place. he stares with eyes of sympathy
and tells me that they have never left my side
only standing in the shadows waiting for me
to need help standing back up. time has passed and
no longer do i need to be picked up after time
and time again. but how sweet it is to know that
i have two angels by my side always willing
unconditionally to help me along my way.

To my mommy and daddy cause i love em and they
are my angels.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Loving you is a test

she sits at the end of the stairs staring
he looks past her as though she were a ghost
that he cant seem to see.

she smiles as her friends come greet her and
ask her to dance, but inside shes just hoping
if she sits there long enough he'll notice
she's waiting.

the voice inside her head wants her to give up,
her heart the fearless soldier of her soul wants
her to keep fighting.

she looks at the horizon wondering if the sea ends
there and if life is really like the waves having
the high tides but eventually reseading back
into the abyss.

----0----0----0-----0-----0------0-----0-----0----0----0----0----0----

i find it in the corner it's old and rusted
it hasnt been used in a long time, i cant
seem to make it work.
i try scraping away the rust but a hole takes
its place instead. in an effort to get this
fixed, i call up the mechanic. "bring it to
me, give me a few days, i'll try my best to fix
it".
in a effort to control my impatience i start polishing
the stand where i plan to put it after its renewed.
as the days pass i go up to the mechanic who gives
me the piece still looking rusted, old and barely
working. he says he got me a new one if i wanted to
trade. he showed me this shiny looking thing. i reflect
on my decision and decide to take mine home, "wouldnt
a new one be the easiest decision". i look at the
rusted heart and say "it might, but wouldnt be the same
i just needed help getting it to run again"

Monday, January 16, 2006

A letter to the Leaf Robber:-

i wished i had known you back when i was young, perhaps you would have liked me, i guess ill never know. i hear the stories about you, often wondering how you really lived and what happened to you after you visited that health thief. Many say you ran away, some say you just lost your ways; i'd like to think you finally saw other moments of happiness before your time was called. i'd wish your son had known you better, at least not only till he was 2, maybe if they had never left you, i could have met you if only for some time. you did leave me something behind (apart from the greatest man i've known) you also gave me your hereditary traits, some that have caused me trouble back in the old days. but the times have changed and i learn quickly not to let it get the best of me, not being as mad as you, but always a little borderline to normal. i'd like to think you'd have been a great to meet, we couldve have sat under trees and collected some ackward things.
i feel like there is this invisible wall that stands between us
and i wanted things to have played out differently
i wished i was something closer to what you had been
hoping for.


ID GO SO FAR TO PLEASE YOU BUT I KNOW YOU WOULDNT CARE AT ALL!

I DIDNT THINK YOU'D BE LIKE THAT, THINK YOU ARE RIGHT BUT YOU'RE SO WRONG

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Go team

so im in orlando right now and i could say this trip has been about reminiscing and thinking about what i want/need. so this group of people have helped me come to conclusions, come to other confusions, and be able to view how i am in the eyes of others.

a week ago i wanted nothing more than to go back home and just forget i ever decided to come to this trip cause it was nothing of what i expected. having a week long buffy marathon isnt exactly my idea of fun. but that all changed when i came to orlando and started hanging out with the most beautiful family i have ever met... and ivan. Go team was the motto for our little mini golf game (my team won thanks to me.... HURRA HURRA). i tried new things, i actually got into a rollercoaster (peer pressure) and went to universal got into one ride and paid nothing (feeling like a cheat here :P). but most of all i had fun and loads of sadness. there are things im still trying to understand and fears i have yet to overcome.


in this pavilion filled with sentiments
of discomfort i stand solemly
and quietly weep

in the outskirts i see a glimpse of hope
only to be tossed back by disillusion.

i try to reach the door and perhaps lock myself
inside but the strong wind of jealousy
keeps me back.

disregarded from the pack i decided to
sit this fight out repressing the
competitive streak i hold inside.

staring as an outsider to the fight
between my own soul and mind, i try
to understand, but i am left in
confussion.