There's music in love, love in music, and life is all in between

Saturday, April 29, 2006

pointless story

i wish i had chosen a different life, and perhaps i'd have a different answer to the questions i seem to ask myself daily. i might believe its all just tears and pain but to someone else could it just be sunflowers and open fences. because all my fences seem to have closed and i am locked, like an animal, inside this ackward looking palace.

some might say that i have everything i could desire and have no need to shed silent tears. but has anyone ever wondered that perhaps i dont desire material things and of all i have, i wish mostly for sentiments i have yet to experience. this short life that i have lead seems filled with voids and unanswered questions, i might be having an existencial crisis, all because of you.

could i erase my history and start on a clean slate and that way perhaps in the end i'd still be holding his hand. cause in the end, thats all there is, thats all you can feel, the lose of something that you value as though it were a part of your soul, and perhaps; maybe in a certain degree it was.

should i just keep believing im a disapointment and sometimes i wonder what would have happened if my heart hadnt gotten addicted to you, but then perhaps its addicted to your rejections. i want to believe that you are the one that got away and after you there's only been one, one that has touched the deepest parts of my emotions, but unlike you he leaves me stranded on a deserted island and in his boat he circles the grounds on which i stand watching me wave my hands in a pointless attempt to call his attention, but as he watches from the distance, he looks in dismay knowing he'll never really reach the island.

i have seen alot for the age i have but perhaps thats all been in vain. if i hadnt seen everything from such an amazing view and instead blinded my sight from seeing so much in such short time, i wonder, i wonder if that made it all it is today. because perhaps had i closed my eyes and not been seduced by the illusive lights that captivated images disguised in beauty, my life would have meant so much more.

and still i believe... everything would have been different.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Stop... Jump

stranded in the outskirts of a forgotten desert
the miles seem to pass endlessly, affecting the
view of reality. a drenching thirst starts to
overtake every part of the body, in the oasis
the small pond isnt enough to satisface this
overwhelming need.
to be continued....

Sunday, April 23, 2006

I miss you this much

i miss you mostly at nights. when i come home and dont find you there to welcome me back. i miss you mostly at bed times when i have no one to hug and take care of. i miss you mostly in the morning, when i wake and find an empty pillow. i miss you mostly at noon, when i rub your head or play games with you. i miss you mostly at dawn, when you get scared of the sound of the engine and try to hide behind my legs. i miss you mostly every second of the day.

god i miss you leyla marie

you make it too hard to love you,
you make it difficult to get close to you,
you make it too harsh to try to say
nice things.

i could try and wait but that might
just take too long.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Its hard to say goodbye

RIP my leyla....

as tears welled up in my eyes i wonder how empty life would mean without you. you who have been my companion and true friend, the one who was never suppose to leave me. i loved you since the moment i held you in my hands and felt your heart pounding with fear of the unknown. i hope that your stay in this world was filled with happiness and peace, the same that you had brought on to me. oh how i miss you, the way you layed next to me as i slept, when you tried to wipe away my tears when i was sad.(in your own way of course)... the moments you sat next to me as i left deep into thought, you never left my side, you were my best friend. what will i do when i dont have to tell you to get out of the car or have to share my food and kisses with you. id never thought id lose you, i didnt even wanted to try. i thought perhaps youd grow old with me or never pass away. now ive brought a friend along perhaps hoping your soul is in hers, i named her moon hoping if i name her like something thats up in the sky that'll mean you are close by. i never meant to give you up, if i couldve stopped it from happening i wouldve... i miss you sweetie...

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Is there anyone out there?

is anybody out there?
can you come over and tuck me in, you see im feeling like there is a hole in my soul through which every emotion drains away into an abyss that i have yet to reach the bottom.

can anyone hear me?
cause i have been screaming so loud that ive lost my voice, so in a fragile whisper i try to call out to someone who has yet to come and save me from this solitude.

Can anyone drive me?
can you give me a lift up to a place where i can find a key that ive lost, it leads to my heart and without it its open to thiefs that might try to take what little is left inside.

Can anyone see me?
cause ive been wearing this mask so long that i doubt anyone has seen the real me and im about to forget who i was in the first place;

can anyone find me?

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

You are all staind

and after that first kiss, a consequence is releaved.
you, me and solitude, my friend.

Maybe baby

my best friends.... how i love them.... they drive me nuts.... sometimes i want to shoot them.... sometimes just strangle them..... but somehow..... we always end up back were we started... together...

so this was a fun day.... we went to El Botanico with all our dogs... yes all 5 of them... (leyla marie h. agudelo, my cocker spaniel... sucky yaki agudelo, the yorkie.... einstein agudelo, chihuahua.... donato contreras, yorkie (most annoying one too) and minnie bello (weeee misss you minnniieeee come backkkkk)


could i go back to a place in time where innocence ran through her vains and the naive nature of a child was at play? could i ever go back to where we once were, were the imagination ran free and we became so much more than just complicated?

could i go back to a place in time when you were next to me pretending to be asleep and as i kissed your forehead i could imagine nothing else but us forever. but the novel of our love has been burned along with other stories whose only copies whisked away into ashes.

could i go back to a place in time where everything goes on in rewind, to have the ability to relive our love all over againl. if only you could see how the light seems to have died out without you.

could i go back to a place in time, could i go back, and perhaps never come back....

i miss you.


Collecting the pieces

and when he walked away everything changed,
could she have done something different and
perhaps forced him to stay. are their words
for wounds that arent yet forgiven?

she dires her tears and lays in the ground
searching for a star that might give her
the answer to this irrefutable question.

he sits in his car and wonders if shell
be able to accept his apologies and maybe
if shed just think it through she'll see
his a different man.

to be cont.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

troubled eyes

how i wish i could understand the years
and perhaps find the answers that seem
to have hidden so far down my soul.
it slowly extinguishes the light that
burns inside, the cold overtakes the
sadness, i dont know wish is worse.

if all pain were the same would it be
any different? could i exchange this
wrenching breaking of my heart for
physical pain? because the emotions
ache some much harder.


little girl hiding inside the body of a woman, like a cameleon trying to blend in with the habitat looking for survival. but how can she survive, sometimes she is pushed so far down, her innocence seems to evaporate before her eyes. her tears that by now have dried, keep her eyes from seeing what lies in front. thus her vision seems confusing, she imagines beautiful things but as she gets closer she sees only darkness. stuck between rebellion and commitment she is pulled by each side, ripping away any self concious decision she can make. little girl, little girl who cant grow up, but cant stay young

I cant take my eyes off of you

que vida la mia, escribirte a ti, un ser inexistente. siempre buscando y nunca encontrando respuestas. que vida la mia, tender a mis emociones sin recibir ninguna recompensa. que vida la mia, que vida.

y sin poder olvidar como se sintio aquella vez donde crei haberte encontrado. talvez me merezco lo peor, por tratar siempre de dar lo mejor. no comprendo, la vida mia, anhelar lo que nunca e sentido.

puede haberte querido, si solo me hubieras dejado. y aqui me quedo entre lazos de enganos y misterios viviendo en un futuro y huyendole al pasado. mi alma frustrada trata de descansar entre tanto ruido.

que vida la mia, sonar para sentir, sentir para reconocer, luz de mi ser cuyo nombre todavia no se cual es, ayudame a encontrar una razon para seguir creyendo. que vida, que vida la mia.