There's music in love, love in music, and life is all in between

Sunday, July 30, 2006

same ol' wall

its that i feel like im hitting myself
over and over with the same wall. everytime
i think it'll be the last time or ive
numbed myself from the pain again i stumble
with the same green painted wall. im searching
for a way to work on modifying a disfunctional
conduct.

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self reminder: Hold it hold it.... you need a vacation, Virginia Woolfe once said that her head was a machinery always buzzing and in motion... so is mine,
well this machine is overheating.... windy city, i think im seeing you sooner

a confession

i know you'll never be able to read this but i want you to know ive always loved you and i dont think that could ever possibly change. you made me the person i am today, you help me mold myself. i know ive made mistakes with you but i want you to know im sorry if i could do it all over again i would. i would show you that you are the best thing in the world, that love like the one you give could never sum up to any other love ive ever received all together... you made me whole, and i was sad so i could never appreciate the things you did for me. they told me once to just make pretend that im with you and in my dreams sometimes i am and i wake up with a smile. no one will ever compare to you, you are an angel the one true miracle i could witness.

i hope one day you will be able to forgive me. i hope the next person who comes along will be half as good as you. i was so certain of your love i took it for vain, next time ill appreciate it more. i know in another lifetime we will reconcile, i have faith that god will allow me the chance to rediem myself and prove to you that i am worth loving just as much as i have loved you.

there is a song called apology by BMC its for you it says "im shattered and broken beyond repair im jaded so sick of being here, ive fucked up one to many times, this time i fucked my one life".... my life has not been the same without you and there is nothing left for me to do but go just like the song goes.

i used to dream of the day that you would forgive me or make the attempt to try again, i know it wont happen now but the last thing one loses is hope.

you have this ability to light up a room, i used to love that. it saddens me that i dont see that in you anymore. you are turning out to be so much better than i ever thought you would.im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Sweetest downfall? Again

i wrote a letter today, i sent it out to heaven
and i didnt demand gifts or power. i simply
asked a question.

i got a letter today, it said returned adress.
apparently there arent any shipping couriers to
heaven.


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Playlist of choice: Looking for love

Song of choice: Inda- Ken Oak Band

Quote of choice: the laughter slowly takes over, confidence i'll never know. the universe is full of reflections but you have eyes that could see in another dimension all the things that i tried to hide, all my thoughts are just useful thinking you found time to think of me. guess its true what they say in this lifetime YOU JUST MIGHT FIND THE THING THAT YOU NEED.

Thought of the moment: "I would have loved it to be longer"

Thursday, July 27, 2006

una historia

aveces durante la semana en una plazita en la GMR puedes encontrar una chica sentada con un grupo casi siempre muy aburridos hablando muchas porquerias. muy probable que ayer, siendo miercoles y esa chica no tiene clase los miercoles siempre se sienta ahi hablar, a chismear y a reirse. los jueves suele pasar lo mismo, pero hoy decidio retirarse temprano ya que tenia mucha hambre y su mami se fue a constanza y le dejo dicho: buscatela para comer.... bueno a ella no le gusta comer sola, asi que fue a clases (bueno la barajo para jugar poker chino) y fue a casa a comer cheese sticks, su favorito.
pero si quizas viste la misma chica ayer que hubiese visto hoy si fuera hace una semana. y si fuera fin de semana, probablemente la vieras bailando en las discos de su preferencia (praia, blanc). pero casi siempre.... esta "estudiando" psicologia.
si la felicidad es todo eso que me describiste pues wow estoy un poco mas cerca de ella aunque me falta lo que mas anoro, amor de pareja. antes tenia una perrita, se llamaba leyla, when she died i cried and said that she was the only one who loved me unconditionally without judgement. maybe i want my love to be like leyla :P.

cada vez que escribes me hace cuestionarme y eso es algo interesante, entonces no te excedes, me ayudas a ver otro punto de vista.

dice una cancion: "all my thoughts are just useful thinking, you found time to think of me guess its true what they say in this lifetime you just might find the thing that you need."

thank you.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

to be myself

i am a happy person, i love to smile and dance and be joyful. but happiness is just a momentary sentiment, at least in my case. cause i do find myself in my bed talking to a computer, talking to my head and trying to ease the hopelessness it feels. i used to imagine life would be different when i grew up and it didnt turn out the way i expected.

its that no one wants to fall inlove, at least not the ones i want. they used to say i was born in a different era, ahead or behind time and maybe i was. maybe its just meant to be this way, change people but be unhappy, every great person was unhappy or something horrible happened to them... that just sounded bitter.

its been coming for a while

so now i let my thoughts consume me
while i stand here staring at this
broken window. because ive indulged
myself in you, but have not felt
any sense of completion, could it
be i never quite had what it took?

i smile as the people pass me by and
yes i always hold my head up high, but
i do feel ive let myself fall for
someone who could never really be mine.
but how can i tell my lips to stop moving,
my eyes to stop looking and my ears to
stop listening to the sweet interrogation
you've left in my heart?

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Pending Thoughts

i seek refuge in your words
you've helped me find myself
when i lost my way. i dont
know if we stand in the same
road of life but i find
comfort in hearing you respond
to my cries. its been so long
since i was able to express
the emptyness my heart feels.
when you know what love is,
its hard to live without it.
i'm broken without it.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

blue august morning

i;m wishing upon a star that i find you
now more than ever, i fear the abscence
of you will cause me to lose hope.

maybe im in denial, i just might not
have quite what it takes to be strong
and just wait.

cause ive been waiting my whole life
and im about to give up. this dream
might be just a dream.

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conv.

me: he ruined my social life, no one wants to go out with me

anon: maybe its just temporary

me: no, seriously.... NO ONE will date me...

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Wishing Well

i really want to go out and find you standing somewhere,
and when i find you, you'd say "ive been waiting too long
for you". because i have been sitting, wishing, and searching
and finding nothing more than dispair and hopelessness.

Friday, July 14, 2006

not completely finished

left standing


playlist of choice
: all the boys i've loved

Song of choice: Only one- Lifehouse

Quote of choice: "she's got a pretty smile covers up the poison that she hides, she walks around in circles in my head waiting for a chance to break me for a chance to take me down"

Thought of the moment: so i came to the realization that im TOO nice, so maybe i need to be a tiny bit like i was before a little evil *evil laughter* har har... so i heard something the other day which really got me a little mad... IM TURNING INTO MY SISTER?! (no offense sarina).... they said i forgot how to flirt, i lost my mojo for getting what i want when i want... oh well... i guess it'll eventually find its way back to me... when i need it...

still i cant get you out of my head, your driving me insaneeeeeeeee.

You can deal with your regrets... ill deal with mine

i want the life i knew i would, but i know ill never be that person whom i dreamnt of when i was a little girl. because i always thought i'd be a princess who would have her prince charming and who never knew what sadness felt like. but as my life evolved into what it is today, i feel ive lost that innocence that made me skip through life instead of walking through it. still i thought i was a princess, so i branded myself, i crowned myself a princess. but then i lost it again... that dream of owning my own crown, my own palace, my own prince... so i thought perhaps i should stop making pretend that i am something im not, stop dreaming. but that came so easily to me, i didnt even need to try. but taking the first step is the hardest, and in my rough moments i have one thing present which always keeps me going.... "god lights my heart".

Friday, July 07, 2006

untitled

no no no ese no es....

The night goes as follows

Playlist of Choice: Spare Me

Song of the Moment: This Broken Heart- Something Corporate

Idea in my head: So im nostalgic is it for something i want, lost or need? Could i have a second of your time so we can have a conversation in my head where i tell you what i feel and you respond in the exact same way... oh this life of a dreamer as though it never ends, till reality kicks you hard on the cold cement of life.

Song Quote: "you never want to concentrate on me, im too much of an angel, im too much of a saint, though i cant be, im too much of a reject you dont expect much from. i want to feel safe, i want to feel like im not hated too, i want to get closer, i want to feel the most id get from you, im too much on the rebound, im too mcuh on the ground though i cant be"

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Cause my heart is in...

the air swifts in a nostalgic rythm
and the world keeps turning even when
im still. i close my eyes and feel as
it all revolves around me with such
intensity i cant control. this broken
heart is too heavy to carry with weights
of chain and uneven beating.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

more than words



could be egocentrism, just trying to tell a story using more than words... all pictures done by me, im learning be patient.

its always nice to know someone is paying attention to what i write and give off more ideas for my head to play with, i dont see it like intrusion, more like a gift. you pay attention to what i write, i pay attention to what you write, it keeps me coming back for more.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

and today was a day like any other... EXCEPT

ive had another epiphany and im getting there to accepting it. so today i went to the lake with sarina, my beautiful sister, ewald, my wonderful ex cunis/my brother cause i love him like he were family, and regal, who's just nuts. we had a wonderful time, but alone in a hammock makes you miss things, people and situations, but today... i throw in the towel. this has been a thinking week (obviously).

yesterday, michi, my other ex cunis/sister made me hear OUR song, its ours cause it relates to both our situations. although im 6 years older than her, through her i notice that when it comes to matters of the heart age doesnt matter. so through uneasy nights and early mornings we reviewed our stories trying to find holes on it, holes that would fill the empty ones in our hearts. but sometimes, there arent holes just uncertainties. but we'll get through it, cause we are strong and even stronger when its the three of us (sarina, michi, and me).

sarina, the mother figure, tells us what we dont want to hear. she portrays the person we want to become, because she seems so distant, so methodical in her thinking its amazing to hear her speak. but they are only pg-13 conversations.

michi, the daughter figure, she lets us remember what it felt like, ive watched her grow for a couple(very few) years now and as she gets older i get to experience things i didnt get to experience at that age and then again remind myself of all the fun, with small things you could have. sleep overs are always eases the soul.

me, the positive one, try to always see a way to make things happy (even though here it doesnt seem that way, but then im just releasing what i feel inside). of course im also the writer, the one who tries to search deeper into everything and help with the uncertainties, to write it all :P.

"oh its what you do to me, oh its what you do to me"