There's music in love, love in music, and life is all in between

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Welcome to the insomnia club

Its been a week since i had a good night rest and im thinking this PMS thing is hitting me harder than ever or is it that my existencial crisis has at last blown over? so while i lay here letting my thoughts run wild inside my head i wonder what will it take to find that peace of mind. I'm weary and tired of trying to please everyone, preventing pain as much as i can.

"I cant believe that i would keep, keep you from flying"-tori

Friday, November 21, 2008

Thinking thoughts that i know are bad

Before you, my life was like a moonless night. very dark but there were stars- points of light and reason... and then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black, nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldnt see the stars anymore, and there was no more reason for anything.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Too far gone

"too far gone, where nothing could be done"

i did not resurface....

The wind blows in ravenous fury
as i try to make the world still.
and as i lay on the cold ground
feeling the pieces of branches that
lash out of the trees, i see its all
too far gone. i cover my ears
trying not to hear the sound that
something's breaking, that sound
your voice delivers. the ground
starts moving faster now, as i fall
into the pit of my own uncertainties.
i try to make sense of the fury that
sucks me in. my body is weary
from the uncontrolable emptyness that
comes at me. finally i let go and at last i feel
peace of mind and yet.... it all fades away.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

And if the stars stop coming out at night
how will i ever find my way back to you.


--------------0------------------------0------------

Maybe its your eyes that give you away or maybe its mine that give me away.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Commit this to memory

I stare unfazed at the vastness of the sky remembering my past, dreaming about the future and forgetting about my present.

"And its hard to say that i was wrong, its hard to say i miss you" - The Used

 i've got a new "happier" blog exploringnormal.tumblr.com

 

let me guide your way.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

My fallen angel

I have this picture i cant seem to find.....

its you holding onto me, helping me blow out the candles on my two year old cake. Sometimes i think they might all be wrong, and this is a dream i'll soon wake up from. The reality hits hard, when im awake, and i listen to the same song that reminds me of you, or how at 23 hearing "La bamba" feels the exact same way it did when i was 5. who knows... you might have hated the song, but just in case, it still reminds me of you.

I wish i had a little more time
to fix all the wrongs the past
cost us.

to capture the essence of your
soul, and keep it safe from uneasy
hands.

i wish the world would make it up
to me, but granted, our love can
never be.

And in the silence of my room i
admit, i seem to be more like you
than id allow.

I'm left to hope that the universe
didnt not unfold as it should, and
that you'd feel the same way.


"be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle" - unknown

"forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves- to get well and move on"

"the journey of a thousand miles, begings with one single step"


Song of the day: Time- Sarah Mclachlan

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Unsuccessful battle against the block

"Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore
She loves salting my wounds
Yes, she enjoys nothing more" - Spill Canvas


and in the middle of the park stands a tree.
the leaves are heavy on its back. she comes
from afar and presses her hand on the chipping
bark and hears nothing.

------------------0-------------------------------0

it all amounts in simple words and all is lost
in a world where chaos plays the leading role.
She who wishes only to forget, is reminded of
the cloud above her head. It seems only to bring
dissapointment and regrets. He wishes to stay with
her, but the emotions seem to be stacked too high.
she pleads for him to let go and he says nothing.
She sees him from afar ignoring the cold stare and
tries to reach for him, but its too late. over her head
the rain starts falling. Another day, another cloud

0------------0----------------------0---------------0

where, she wonders, is her movie script ending,
because the happily ever after never came.

----------------0---------------------0-------------0

Song of the day: Polygraph, she knows - spill canvas

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The girl with the cloud over her head

In less than a month I've read 3 books (Monster of Florence, 15 minutes of shame, and I've finally finished reading Watermelon). Which is a sign of all the free time i have. I went from being a teacher to a senior in college with ambitions to unemployment -which is were I am at today-.

Apart from that, I've got a persistent writers block i cant seem to get rid off; and i do believe i've tried everything.... to no avail. things i've tried:

1. list of sappy love songs to be inspired by. (they've given me a headache and i cant stop singing them (or listening to the repeated -im leaving you, dont know if thats what i should do- oh there i go again).... and i got more tears than writing done.

2. cigarette soul searching stare (yes, there is such a thing). so i sit outside pretending the purpose is to smoke but actually just staring at nature who does nothing but annoy me with their mosquitoes and all. I try really hard to concentrate on the way the leaves move, but then come to the realization of how strange i must look -legs crossed, face on my hand, look of perplexion in my face-..... and a sigh... the end to that.

3. the bedroom stare. this is when i'm in bed laying on my back arms spread like a cross, staring at the fan in the ceiling. round and round it goes, i try to get thinking done and then i notice.... and there i come back into reality leaving the clouds behind....

finally my all time favorite...

4. Moon wishing. so i sit outside when everyone else is in bed and i stare at the moon looking through all the cracks and corners, looking at how it radiates, i see that there are barely any stars outside but they seem to shine vibrantly, i feel great, i sense ideas are about to run up into my conciousness in any minute and then..... my cellphone rings... and there goes that.



Song of the week: She Had the World


Quote of the day: "She said she won the world at a carnival"




Happy to report i see the sun out today, not so happy, they say it will still rain.....

oh sad sad world.... stay still for a while......

Monday, September 08, 2008

the rain makes me sad

i cant understand the effects of rain on my heart....


maybe its the fear of hearing the thunders striking

or they grey sky makes everything seems so sad.


puff....


make the sun shine....


.........................................................


ive spent my night watching postsecret.



I wish i could save the world.... little by little, id like to make a difference

Thursday, September 04, 2008

conversations

the rain wont stop, i havent seen the sun for days....

ahh the existencial crisis

anon: i was looking through pictures of oprah

anon2: uh! Oprah?

anon: she was wearing the same pair of sunglasses i own, i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing.

anon2: Oprah?

anon: they look better on me.....

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

not made for a farm....

Nothing new to report....

mabella is still a brat....

nami still has no testicules....

having an apathetic mood....

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Tarot card says....

"Silence broken by your voice in the dark"


A note to my fallen angel:


i was thinking about you today.... still missing you.... still wishing i could say i love you.... still asking the what if....


what if you had stayed with me.... wait for me... love you angel! fall around me now.



still no solucion to this writers block.... perhaps i should leave this behind and write on paper yet again, start over from scratch.....


bee bop.... ting tun.... tra la la la la....


perhaps.... perhaps it is best to be silent.... perhaps....


im a wilted flower...


so.... i read my tarot card today... nothing new or exciting.... tarot card says i want to leave home (has he been talking to my therapist!?!).... apparently im going lo live till im 93, i wonder the certainty of that (he didnt notice the pack of cigarettes near me). possibly mistaken....


missing my twinkie tonite.... seems im missing everything!


saw my place tonight in quiet somber dreams,

a melancholic hole ive learned to call home.



weather changes for the lonely people that

put their souls away.




if only it were now, when it was then, perhaps i couldve saved you, it all could have been.

but if then was now, then perhaps i would have lost you twice..... i want to give to you, but more than words.... what to do with a worn out heart, hand it out?


summing up the day: i miss my fallen angel, i miss my twinkilino (ro , DUH), and i miss my No Regrets.....


Song of the day: Answer


Band of the day: Automatic Loveletter


Quote my heart out: "i dont need the answer i already know"

Saturday, August 30, 2008

the answer is blowin' in the wind

"melt your headaches, call it home"

Band of choice: Panic! at the Disco

Song Selection: Northern Downpour



Quote of the day: "Laugh so you dont cry"


ive been staring at the screen for half an hour, with a blank stare on my face. ive got many phrases but none i can seem to put together in complete sentences..... im thinking about:

- empty streets.
- sweetest sadness.
- rummaging faces


more after these messages.... Lunch with the girls, evening alone. bitter sweet melodies.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

When the sun hits your eyes

but im not complaining...

as the sun rose today and i knew everything was gonna be allright.

band of the day: MAE

Song of choice: Ocean

Quote: "fall around me now"


began these times believing i'd always be here with you
but when it changes, there's nothing you could

Thursday, August 07, 2008

In far too many thoughts...

Its not about attraction to the other sex..... there could be lost love, and even the one that got away and refer to something other than being heartbroken by someone you met a few years ago. sometimes these feelings go deep, like when you lose a brother. maybe you or i lost him before he passed away, but now that hes gone.. how would you mend old wounds?

Saturday, August 02, 2008

far too many thoughts

somewhere, the sky cries for you......

i loved you since the first second i remember seeing your face
and looking back i know you loved me too. i remember the nights
as i waited to catch a glimpse of you, you seemed so omnipotent to me.

growing older i lost those dreams i had were you would protect me,
i found myself asking questions that could not be answered and still
i loved you.

if i could have kept you in a box, locked you up and lose the key, perhaps
you'd still be with me. i always hoped one day you would understand that
all i wanted was for you to love me.


i feel i shouldnt mourn losing you, but then again, i still feel like ive had 7 years bad luck. wrong or right i'd like to get it off my mind. so

send me a sign, tell me something because ive waited so long for answers i will no longer understand. "we were damned at the beginning, we'll be damned at the end". it always
hurt and i cant stop thinking, its hard to breath when the opportunity is gone.

porque si no estas que pasa con las palabras que me faltaron por decir? sera mas facil no creer. pospuse decirte tantas cosas creyendo que la vida nos iba a unir (si de verdad lo crei). tu que siempre estabas en mi mente, nunca pense que ahora sea verdad cuando digo somos 3, que pasa con mis suenos? busco mis respuestas........... im bleeding for nothing......

"perhaps you were mistaken"

i loved you most.

perhaps

Friday, July 25, 2008

"i'll follow you into the dark"

Whenever my soul embarks, ill still be seeking answers from you.


Thursday, May 08, 2008

Failed!

in an attempt to regain my sanity and get over my rummaging ideas I've tried various solutions resulting in disaster.

i noticed i started smoking more, every second i got actually, which now causes me to nauseate at the idea of smoking a whole cigarrette. seriously it was ridiculous, i could feel my lungs pleading "please no more", as my own mind started telling me to "get over it this isnt working.

secondly i gathered all my single friends, my 3 friends actually, and got them to take me out to drink so i might try to get drunk and forget for a couple of hours. DISASTER. please dont try this. although i didnt get the urge to dial any numbers, i did get so wasted i dont remember doing since i was in highschool. after i drank more than ive ever been able to hold and found myself about to throw up, i head to the bathroom and to no avail did i feel better, not cold water, 7up, trying to make myself through up, coca cola, water or milk help at all. so i decided to come home and have vowed not to drink for at least another week. which doesnt help because here im thinking alcohol will probably be my friend through this process. WRONG. i can here the bottles waving goodbye as they mockingly remind me now i wont be able to forget.

third ive realized ive eaten anything thats put in front of me or bought anything that i can put into my mouth. which in the moment causes me great pleasure but after a while guilt knocks at my door "you know im here, let me in, im here for the month".

so far i feel worse than i started. but i am reading the most amusing book that gives me a little hope and the fact that i know "this too shall pass" i might just begin to get better.....

wish me luck....

so far ive decided the streets a little crowded i might just stay home, but that could be depression making its way home.... ive got the alarm set, so fear not my friends, if it comes too near i will call the emotions police.....


Feeling of the day: a little better

Strength: with a foot out the door

predictions: scared to death.....

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Waiting for the storm

the days seem so slow feels like seven sundays in a row.

and if you fade away then
the sun will no longer shine
the same way.




even words are no longer enough to express the hole inside.....

WRITERS BLOCK..........

Friday, April 18, 2008

Where was I?

between you and me: I'm hoping you get better.

God, are you out there? it's me sheila. give me a sign, starting to get a little scared all alone down here.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

reveries of broken dreams
creep into my mind.

----------0---------0-------

the inconsistency of the decisions
that constantly changes as the moon
hides away in the dark.

and tonight i find myself between
the darkness, not a star out in the
night.

considering the existential emptyness
that surrounds me, i reminisce of a time
long past.

a fight has begun between the curse of
the past and the indecisions of the future,
while im stuck in the middle.

i look into the black horizon that portrays
an end to the bitterness that surrounds me,
so far i cannot reach.

still looking towards the guidance of your
hand to help me overcome the solitude that
erradicates my soul.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Just another red light

Quote of the day: “O, swear not by the moon, the fickle moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her circle orb, Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.”

Band of the day: automatic loveletter

Thought of the night: reveries of fire thats dying for more.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

You could, 'cause you can, so you do

Because of your simple complexity
i get more questions than answers.

-----------------0------------------

this is just a phase....

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Monday, March 31, 2008

Bigger than us

I have a twinkie, who has a twinkie, who has a twinkilin.....



Because when everything else fails,
i still get a creamy filling.



because when the world turns upside down
they will catch me.



meet my twinkies

Teacher sheela

currently at 5th grade doing very little. Other than answering questions such as the name for breakdance moves (freeze, headstand, suicide, downrock, etc.) or explaining why you shouldnt peel the scab of a cut (eww, it'll get infected and it'll rot) i do very little.

Or maybe when you take too long in the bathroom and i ask what did you do?! (trying to get through to the fact you cant possible take that long in the bathroom, so where else did you go), his reply "i went poo"... ok eww.. go sit down.

What have i learned?i learned that tony hawke isnt the only professional skateboarder, that breakdance includes a move called suicide, that an object with 11 sides is called a hendacagon.

What did they learn? to LISTEN TO YOUR TEACHER AND BE QUIET.... or else....

I just figure everything is cool

Quote of the day: "Pride can stand a thousand trials, the strong will never fall"



distracting myself from the world
i enter psychosis.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

taciturn lips

Perhaps when the full moon comes out, i am that girl.




Rip my heart thats turned to stone.

vous n'avez pas a souffrir parce que vous etes beau



disregarded flower that lays in the ruins
of the pasts mistakes.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Makes you change

Quote of the day: "im just a fucked up girl looking for her own peace of mind, dont assign me yours."

Song of the day: "Best laid plans"




And if everyone is a star that shines at night, then i must be blind, there are no stars out in the sky. . Yet there is hope, and with my fallen star i walk towarda the horizon and perhaps in that line that seperates me from the night sky i find the answers that are hidden by the moon. Im jaded, unable to continue the ride. The world has turned gray.....


even the sky cries sometimes

Saturday, March 15, 2008

You could be happy


because in the dark, all the fears come into light.

In the stories of heartbreak and neglect i finally realized
it always ends the same way. Ive built walls and let them
tare them down. Ive buried my heart far from my soul and ive let
them dig it back up, I froze my heart and i let them bring out
the sun. The broken pieces lead them right to it, where defeated,
it lays.

And today as i am woken from the uneven beatings of my shattered
heart that have made way to my lungs making breathing difficult,
I notice my indifference towards my unlucky streak. Because even
as the cuts heal and scar tissue is replaced, still sometimes
when it rains and when its really could outside... it hurts...

Quote of the day: "Sing ourselves to sleep" the fray

Friday, February 15, 2008

Turning corners


I dreamnt of you last night,
i asked an angel to change it
all back. He stared at me unmoved
by my desires.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

El lado cognitivo a la crisis existencial

Luego de pasar con muy buenas notas mi curso de cognitiva conductual me pongo a pensar en las tecnicas terapeuticas de dicho paradigma (tengo 3 anos tratando de acordarme del significado de paradigma... por fin ya se me grabo). El punto es que entre las tecnicas cognitiva/conductual basicamente uno busca su propia respuesta guiandose del terapeuta. Este le sirve al paciente para ayudar a cruzar todas esas piedras en su camino, enseyandole a evitarlas o a pasarle por alto porque son muy pequenas... veamos si funciona dentro de una crisis existencial.
La terapia cognitiva, consiste en experiencias de aprendizaje muy específicas, diseñadas para ayudar a los pacientes a realizar algunas funciones:


Examinar la evidencia a favor y encontrar de los pensamientos automáticos distorsionados.

Sustituir estas cogniciones prejuiciadas con interpretaciones más orientadas hacia la realidad.
Pero dentro de una crisis existencial el problema basico es que dicha ilusion es rota y uno se vuelve a la realidad. la realidad de que el mundo se acaba, de que tienes un rango de tiempo para poder crear/destruir tantas cosas... que si cuentas... not te da... entonces como orientamos esas interpretaciones hacia la verdad?

Aprender a identificar y alterar las creencias que lo predisponen a distorsionar sus experiencias.

Como aprender a alterar las creencias cuando se vuelve un pensamiento obsesivo? se puede hacer 2 cosas... reconocer la evidencia a favor y en contra de dichos pensamientos o bien repetirlo tantas veces que te hastias (saciasion)

Luego vienen las preguntas que en realidad es lo mas dificil... a ver si la contestamos:


¿Podría evaluar la situación de otra manera?
como de otra manera? a ver talvez podriamos considerar que no tenemos que cambiar al mundo solo a una persona y que mejor pajaro en la mano que cien volando y que por algo decidimos este camino. O podriamos decir que existe otras vidas despues de estas... pero en realidad me quiero olvidar de lo aprendido?
¿Cuáles son las ventajas y desventajas que trae aparejado el opinar de ese modo?

¿Qué opinaría otra persona en la que usted confía acerca de estas cosas?
que deberia buscar ayuda espiritual.

¿Qué diría otra persona que tienen este mismo problema?
mana,... tienes razon.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Certainties are but few.

where are the answers? or perhaps it may be that im asking all the wrong questions?

nevermind that... i can no longer control these thoughts that invade my mind, always buzzing, always churning away.... am i one step closer to madness? It'd not that ive discovered my own mortality, its that ive lost my existence.

The nagging sense of meaninglessness has reached a higher level. No longer concerned with my own existentialism i see other's people lack of existence. the source of my anguish unknown....

In this frame of mind ive enclosed my own solace....